It's hard to open up and talk about the really scary things going through your head with someone who isn't one of your best friends. It's hard when it's a doctor...
It's even harder when it's a doctor you've never seen before. My Primary Doctor is no longer practicing family medicine. Instead she now is 100% allocated to the Weight Management clinic.
So I got to see Dr. Porter at Dean West yesterday. It was hard having to fill out that little depression survey and answer 'most days' to the 'thoughts of hurting yourself' question. It was even harder talking about how scared I am with someone I've never met.
Luckily, she's a good doctor. She was very kind, compassionate, and understanding.
After talking for awhile, she confirmed that this onset is probably a seasonal thing. While the medication I was on helped last winter when I started it, and kept me level and stable through the summer, now that the days are shorter and the sun is out less that medication is not helping quite as much. So we discussed a few different things: Light therapy (not covered by insurance) was one. Light boxes cost from about $70 - $300 depending on what you get. She also recommended Vitamin D supplements, and of course, an additional medication. The good news is, the medication she put me on has a history of working very well in tandem with the other one I'm on.
The bad news is, it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in the body, during which time there may be an increase in thoughts of self harm and suicide. Great.
I think I'll be fine. I've got enough people keeping an eye on me. (Again, to my 4 Knights in Shining Armor...Thanks). Having Romeow around helps. He's so loving and we usually spend at least an hour a night laying on the couch together cuddling. I also know I can go hang out with the Rush's and hold baby Eli, because babies are ALWAYS adorable and you can't help but smile when you hold them...as long as their asleep or in a good mood.
I'm really proud of myself for seeing the symptoms of the onset of depression and getting in to see someone right away. I'll also be going back to therapy. At least through the winter to get through this. It's not easy to own up to. especially when you are so used to taking care of yourself.
I don't mind admitting I have a problem, even if it's one that is embarrassing. But I also know it's one I can't control. I cannot control the level of different chemicals in my body, and I can't control the thoughts and feelings that come from it. I'm OK admitting I need some help. And I'm really glad I went as soon as I figured it out. I cannot have a repeat of last year, and I really want to enjoy my fall and winter as much as I can.
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