Finding Love in a Hopeless Place: To Haiti and Back

Recently I undertook a trip with Foursquare Missions to Haiti. Many many moons ago I had felt a tug to work with the less privileged in the world. In fact, growing up, Mother Theresa was my idol. She still is.I ignored that call for many years. My trip to Haiti was recognizing God's voice in my life, and following the plan I believe he has set for me.

To set the context, I've been pretty busy and self involved lately. Well, pre-Haiti at least. It's so easy to get swamped down with the details. It was beginning to feel as if I was just moving from one action to the next. And I was feeling burnt out, like I was in a rut. I was starting to ask myself why I did all these things: school, work, tutoring... I had lost my perspective for the reason for my existence. I felt as if I were spiraling down further.

And then I went to Haiti.

To say that it is a life altering event is an understatement. I too, watched the footage 2 years ago when the earthquake hit the small island nation. I saw the destruction, the desolation, the hopelessness of it all. And I got inspired by the outreaching of celebrities to pour money in to a fund for the reconstruction of Haiti. I gave my donation, did my due diligence, and promptly went back to my life.

I watched as those images appeared of the collapsed houses, the dead bodies, the newly parent-less children. And I thought 'wow, that's really truly sad'. But since I had no connection, had never been in a country so devastated and poor, I couldn't relate.

And then I went to Haiti.

From the minute I landed in Haiti, my entire world perspective shifted. I was in shock. Driving through Port au Prince on our way to Jacmel, I could only gape at the sights: huge tent cities, trash everywhere, styrafoam plates and cups laying en masse in a drainage ditch, the tossed aside remnants of a recent festival, the still crumbled buildings.

But I saw other things. I saw a culture still thriving. I saw men and women walking down the street with confidence. I saw groups of children playing together in such a way that reminded me of my carefree youth when the neighborhood kids would all gather for a nice game of kickball or hide and go seek. I saw art, music, and culture. And I was hooked.

There is an inherent beauty found in all the chaos in Haiti. It's in the green of the mountains, the blue of the ocean, the glimmering gold of the sands, and the brightness shining forth from so many faces. And it is in the love that pours forth from the hearts of the children.

And that's when my perspective on life began to change.


To be continued....

My greatest fear

I'm a firm believer that God gives you what you need, when you need it. Sometimes though, it comes to you in ways that you wouldn't expect. And if you aren't watchful, you may miss it.

I've had so many of these messages in the last week that there is no way I could not hear it.

I've been backsliding in the healthy living lately. I didn't realize it fully myself. In fact, I pretty much did everything I could to ignore it.

And then, last Thursday at yoga, as I was setting my intention to honor the light of the Spirit within me and to honor the blessings given to me by God, our Yogi read the following poem by Marianne Williamson from her book 'A Return To Love':

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously giveother people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

I was blown away. Here I am, thinking of how I've been struggling, and how I need to get back to that place of letting my inner Spirit shine through, and I hear these words. I felt very strongly that I was being sent a message.

But wait! There's more!

Even after hearing this, I was still struggling, and I couldn't figure out why. And so I did what I have always done when I've struggled this hard, and been so down on myself. I collapsed into myself. And what finally brought me to the realization was that people noticed.

I have strength, I know that. And part of my strength comes from the fact that the world can be falling down around me, but I remain cool and calm. I don't let others see how panicked I am, so they stay calm. And I feel ashamed asking for help. Because I don't want people to think I'm weak.

But this time, people noticed. I was blown away again on Easter Sunday. I was helping to make pancakes for our Pancake breakfast at The Journey. And a friend asked me 'are you ok?'. I responded with my usual 'yeah, I'm fine'. But she knew better and didn't leave it at that. She looked me in the eye and said 'no, really, are you ok?'. It struck me then that I was really not. I'd been lying to myself and trying to hide it, and it really wasn't ok. I looked back at her and said 'not really'. And what happened next surprised me even more. She didn't stand there and lecture me about being strong. She simply gave me a hug. A real hug. And I teared up. Now, if you've known me for any length of time, you know that I don't cry in front of others a whole lot. So this was a pretty big indicator for me that something is wrong.

And that wasn't even the end of the messages I was being sent.

Because of our worship service, I was running late for family Easter dinner. I was really worried and stressed, because I haven't really explained to my family yet that I'm not attending Catholic Church. I haven't told them that I've moved away from that to follow a path that I intuitively feel is where I need to be in my journey of faith. But I've been leaving hints. And, because I was late arriving for lunch because of worship at The Journey, I didn't know what to expect. Would they grill me? Would they admonish and lecture me? Would they seek to understand?

No questions were really asked. But I was still on edge. Because I wasn't feeling right within myself.

And then, yet again, I was blown away by the message I was getting. And it was a very hard message that came from 2 people who I know really love me. My Dad and my Sister both expressed concern about my weight. They'd noticed. And my Dad said 'you know, I'm only saying this because I love you and I don't want to see you go back to where you were. I don't want to see you depressed and hurting. I want you to be happy'.

Oh geez, I'm tearing up just thinking of it now. The thing that struck me most is that my Dad and my sister took a big risk. They know that I could have blown up at them and walked away mad. They, out of love, risked our relationship because they want me to be happy. That is the ultimate sign of love. If I hadn't seen this in that moment, I would have told them to mind their own business and walked away. And then I would have felt even worse than I already did.

But in that moment it struck me that 3 times within 3 days I heard a message of support and love. And they each came from 3 very different aspects of my life. How can I ignore that? How can I continue to pretend that everything is ok when in the three most important places in my life I was given the same message? That I recognized it during devotion time through a poem, that my faith community noticed and offered support, and that my family spoke up and offered support.

The message is clear for me. I have support. I have support internally through my faith, I have support in my faith community, and I have support in the love of my family.

And I know now that I am going to need to lean on that support. Because my greatest fear IS in standing out. And as I continue to realize the blessings of all the opportunities I have, and take advantage of them, I'm starting to stand out. And it scares the heck out of me.

What Good Friday means to me

Good Friday has been especially poignant for me the past few years. A few years ago, my Grandfather passed away during Holy Week. It was the first time death had really hit close to my heart. And it was during this time that I leaned on my faith. Through my Grandpa's death, I became reacquainted with my faith.

Christians remember today as the day that Jesus died on the cross. By his ensuing resurrection, we became alive in Christ. And as Christ lives, so do we. Christ's death and resurrection made it possible for us to enter the kingdom of God when our earthly body dies. The Spirit that resides in us is united with God in Heaven. Which means that some day, I will see my Grandpa again.

It was this experience that started me on the path that has led me to where I am today. A flame of desire to acknowledge and grow in faith and love was sparked within me. And a decades old dream was reignited.

Most people don't know this about me, or wouldn't expect it, but in my teens and well into my college years, I very strongly considered entering a convent. Why? Even I didn't really understand at the time, other than there was just something about it that didn't seem the right path for me.

Having been raised in the Catholic faith, Mother Theresa was a large figure during my formative years. We often saw or read news of her and the work she did ministering to the lower castes of India.

I admired her greatly, and still do. To me the idea of sacrificing your own desires and wants to serve those who have nothing is the greatest act of love you can commit to. It takes a strength of will and a faith that is as solid as a rock. In my teens, I felt a strong pull to follow this type of path.

But I didn't believe. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe in God's love for me. I didn't believe in my life through Christ. I didn't believe that I, this small, insignificant nobody, could ever live to serve others in that magnitude.

So the path I chose to follow is what I thought others expected of me. I wanted to fit in, because it is so hard to stand out. I made choices that were hurtful to myself and to others, all in the sake of fitting in. I wandered far and squandered the gifts and blessings I'd been given.

And now it feels as if the prodigal child has returned home. I've reconciled myself to the will of God. And the desire to live a life of service to those who are less fortunate has become the path I will follow. This choice makes me feel at peace. The funny thing is, once I've accepted this path, once I've accepted that this is God's will for me, the doors to accomplishing this monumental task have opened at an alarming rate.

But as new doors open, old ones close. And this is what brings me back to my introspection of Good Friday. Today represents death and grieving. The death of our Savior and the death of our sins.

As I reflect on this, I think of the doors that are closing for me. Many of these doors are passageways to people who I became close to when following the path far from where I am now. And many of them can't understand why I have faith, why I believe in God, and why I, a smart, substantially educated American woman, would choose to believe in something that can't be logically and scientifically proven. And there is no way I can explain it to them to help them understand. And so the arrows are flung. The casual passive aggressive jabs made at Christians, faith, and religion. Trying to speak up and defend those who have faith is met with derision. And I can't understand it. I can't understand this incessant hate for something that brings so much love and goodness and beauty into this world.

So the time has come to acknowledge these closing doors. And I grieve for that. Despite the lack of support and understanding that come from these directions, they are still relationships I built and invested in. They are relationships that, at some point, brought me happiness.

In a way, I'm also acknowledging that a chapter in my life is coming to a close, even as a new and exciting chapter is opening ahead of me. Looking ahead to the future I see laid before me brings me untold joy, happiness, love, and peace. At the same time, I'm grieving for that which is now behind me, which I will never return to.

This is what Good Friday means to me. I know that there are times to grieve, and I know that sometimes things will hurt and be hurtful. But I also know that my faith in the Resurrection means that the hurt will not last forever, and that Love is always present in my life.

A bundle of nerves, just like the good old days

Tomorrow night I'll be doing something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I'm returning to my Alma Mater as an alumni to sing in the annual Musical Menus.

I love singing. I always have. In fact, my mom likes to tell me that when I was very little, I would turn around to listen to the woman behind us singing in church. And I'd hum along to the recessional music and sometimes make up my own words. I remember when I was only about 4 or 5 that I was scared to go upstairs to the bathroom by myself. But I bravely went, and sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while I sat there to keep me calm. Music has always been such an instrumental (pun intended) part of my life.

I was so happy to have found a spot with the Madison Opera Chorus when I moved to Madison 6 years ago. I have thoroughly enjoyed singing in so many productions with them. There is nothing like being on stage, singing for all the world to see. It was a hard decision to make to take a break for awhile until I finish Grad School.

In fact, so many of my memories are tied to music. Some are very happy, and some are very sad. Moments spent backstage with many a cast mate laughing and talking and creating new 'inside' jokes, weddings, recitals, or just for fun with a group of friends.

This weekend is quite special to me for a few reasons. First, I haven't had much chance to get back to my Alma Mater, much less get a chance to show how much I've grown and learned from the knowledge and skill I gained as an undergrad student. Second, I have not sang solo in front of a group of people in years! It's such a nerve-racking, adrenaline pumping experience. And although I feel a bit rusty, the nerves can't tamp down the excitement building up for me. And last but not least are the people I get to share this experience with. My parents and Granmma will be in attendance on Saturday night. They haven't heard me sing since I sang Ave Maria at my Grampa's funeral a few years ago. While I was at Clarke as a student, Gramma and Grampa came to many of my performances, including Musical Menus, and they were always so proud. And I get to share my talent with a few friends who have NEVER heard me sing! I'm excited to show these 2 important people in my life what I am capable of. (And I'll also need their support getting through the nerves of the evening.)

This all brings back so many memories of concerts and recitals at Clarke. It's funny, but although I feel almost the same now as I did back then the night before a concert, I know that I'll get through it and be fine. So what if I keep messing up the lyrics to Mon Couer... who's going to notice but me?

I'm going to tap into that strength and skill I have inside and let go. I'm going to trust that I'll remember what I need to remember, and most importantly, I'll have fun.

Spring is in the air...

This is crazy! It's mid March in Wisconsin and I'm pulling out the sundresses and flip flops.

But there are so many things about Spring I enjoy that it's hard not to get excited. Spring is such a wonderful time of year. Everything seems so fresh and new. The sun always seems a little bit more glorious in Spring. Here it is, 6:30am, and I can hear the birds out chirping already. And even though it's still dark out, I know that in a very short amount of time, the sun will be out this early in the morning. Those are my favorite mornings: the slight chill of the morning that settles on your skin, the warmth of the sun as it caresses your skin, sitting on the porch with a glass of iced coffee or chai tea, enjoying the quiet.

Those are the moments I feel closest to creation. I revel in those moments. I love the peacefulness of the morning. After a bit you can see the world start to awaken. Lights go on in the apartments buildings, a few cars driving past, early morning exercise enthusiasts with the steady rhythm of feet hitting sidewalk.

How wonderful it is to realize that Spring is always so full of hope and promise. And as much as I really do not like snow and cold, I don't know if I could ever thrive in a place where the seasons don't change. See, it's very easy to be thankful and full of praise for God on days like this. But it's so very much more difficult during the dreary, dark days of Winter. But there's something about the anticipation of the coming Spring, of being able to watch the world bloom and bud and come into life, that makes the droll Winter days worth it.

And when you stop and think about it, it's a great metaphor for many things: personal awakenings, physical awakenings, and spiritual awakenings.

For so many years I lived spiritually in Winter. But, I never really gave up. Even though I felt my faith in God was disconnected, I didn't stop believing he existed. I think, deep down, I had hope that one day MY Spring would come. Just as the grass and flowers lay dormant under the snow, it's not dead, it's there, just waiting for the right time to spring forward. And, just like the Spring we see outside our windows now, so many things have to be in alignment before Spring can happen.

So many threads have come together in a Spiritual awakening. It feels as if the green grass and flowers in my heart that were laying dormant are blooming and bursting forth. And it makes me immeasurably happy to know that God believed in me the whole time. He planted seeds within my soul that, at the right time, spring forth into blossom and bloom. And for that, I am ever thankful.

God Bless you all! I hope you take the time to enjoy the wonderful world that's been given to us!

We don't really 'give' love to others

I really don't like the phrase 'I'm giving all my love to you' or 'I'm giving you all my love' and such variations. 


I promise you I'm not a bitter cynic. I do believe in love and loving others. My problem is with the word 'give'. Here's why, the definition of 'give' is to Freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone); hand over to: "they gave her water".


Using the word 'give' implies that you are also losing something. If you give something away, you no longer have it. That's not true. We never really give someone the love that we have, because that would mean we no longer have that love. 


Our capacity to love others is endless. When we share that love with others, they are also showing us how to love just as we show them, and our capacity for love expands beyond the limits we have set for ourselves. 


So how did I come to this realization? Like many young women in our society, I've been through several failed romantic relationships. The first few times after they ended I felt like I had lost something. I felt like there was an emptiness inside me. I guarded my heart thereafter. I was so afraid of feeling that bitter emptiness again. 


But then things started to change. And I can pinpoint the pivotal moment of that change. My grandfather passed away a few years ago the week before Easter. This was my first real experience with dealing with the grieving process of a loved one. When I got that phone call at 5am from my mom, a million memories came flooding back. I had known this man my entire life, and I had loved him. I felt an emptiness and a hollowness more barren than I ever had. 


I was always the type of person who held my emotions in check. I am the rock, the one that others lean on in time of grief. I didn't know how to lean on others. So I turned to my faith. I spent at least an hour in church every day of Holy Week, praying and listening. And I realized that at some point, that emptiness was filled with a calm peace. At some point during the week I gave up the wall of protection I had built and truly let myself be filled with faith and hope. I knew then that I had not lost any love, instead, I had learned how to love even more. My Grandfather, through the very nature of being my Grandfather, had influenced my capacity to love my entire life. I missed him not because I lost any of the love I had for him, but because I respected how much he had taught me about love. The lessons learned were never taught as if in a classroom. They were the way he'd put ketchup in your cup of milk and chuckle when you finally realized it, or teach us as children to pound on the table after dinner and demand ice cream, or the many stories he'd tell us about his horse named Trigger who had a machine gun under his tail. 


There is nothing in the world like the feeling of a heart full of love. There is always something or someone to love: a beautiful sunset over a bay, a nephew's smile, a warm hug from a friend, a voice full of warmth on the other end of the phone, a check in phone call from a family member, the knowledge that even in death, we are not separated from the love we have for those loved ones who have passed along, and so many more. 


But even more than this is the love we receive from God. I was reminded of this during my weekend getaway. I saw the most beautiful example of God's love for us. A gorgeous sunset over a shimmering lake. It touched me so deeply. And I called to mind Luke 12:27-28

 'Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you - you of little faith!'

God had made that beautiful vision of a sunset, and it was so beautiful that my heart ached. And then I remembered that God puts more love into me than he does into that sunset which is here and then gone in moments. Wow. No matter how much I love others, I can never love others as much as God loves his children. But I can try to come close. 

The weekend I ran away from responsibility and into something greater

If you know me in person, you know that I'm a pretty outgoing person. I like to socialize and chat and I have no problem talking to strangers and making new friends. But what you may not know about me is that I'm actually right on the border line of introvert and extrovert. So while I value spending time socializing and being with friends, sometimes I need time away from everyone and everything to unwind and 'reset' myself.
This last weekend, I ran away from it all. I needed quiet. I needed peace. I needed no homework and no work stress. So I went to Door County, WI.

Even though I (jokingly) say that I ran away from responsibility, what I truly ran away from was all the 'extra' stuff I pile into my life. I needed to be away from all that extra stuff to have the quiet to hear God's voice. The truth is, I've felt a big change in the past few months. And there's a calling that I've felt for a very long time that I've been ignoring. I needed the quiet to pray and to listen in the quiet times.

So while I ran away from the responsibility of work, and school, and socialization, I ran, in a sense, to another responsibility. One that I was meant to do.

Isn't it funny how we make our lives so complex? We worry and stress about school work, jobs and career, finances, cars, TVs, clothes, and our social status. We think that these things add value to our lives. They make an impression on our society that we are 'someone' and we are part of society.

But the truth is, the life God wants for us is so much more simplistic. The God we worship is not a materialistic God. He doesn't care if I drive a 10 year old run down car or a brand new shiny one. He doesn't care if I've worked my whole adult life to get to a place of comfort. It isn't His will. His will is that we put all that energy of the 'stuff' that we throw onto ourselves into loving each other. And not just loving the people you know and like. Loving all of humanity, valuing life and the spirit within each individual, and loving those who hate us.

I had a moment of feeling utterly full of love and a sense of completeness this past weekend. I was driving along the shore of Lake Michigan at sunset. The sun and sky was a glory of riotous colors. Reds, oranges, yellows, pinks, purples, and blues all blending and shifting. And the gentle waves of the lake reflecting back the pinks and reds and purples seemed like a shimmering companion, meant to compliment the sunset. In the beauty of that moment, I realized that this was God's gift, not just to me, but to anyone who saw it. The scene was so beautiful that it cannot adequately be described in words. It was a living portrait that can only be described in feelings. The feeling of calm from the blues and purples, the warmth of the reds and oranges, the brilliance of the yellows, the hope of the pinks. And through it all, the ever sense of love. It's a moment that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It wasn't a thing that I'd purchased or done that made me feel so happy and hopeful. It was the glory of what has been given to me. Something that I never asked for, or have truly appreciated. And it was given to me out of love.

I know now what God wants for me. And it will involve a lot of change. I don't know where the future will take me, but I trust that I will be shown the way. And through it all, I know that I was given this great gift of love so I could share it and give it to others. And that is something much greater than the responsibility that I've thrust upon myself.

It CAN be done!

If there was ever a test of my strength and will to overcome binging temptation, it was today. Fat Tuesday, of all days. Of course there was a potluck at work, and of course the food tables were right outside my cubicle again. But I told myself I would NOT eat any junk food. And guess what? I didn't.

It took a lot to resist. And I actually ended up leaving work early because the smell was weakening my strength. But I took time to actually think about why I wanted to eat and to realize that eating those cookies, or crab dip, or pumpkin bread, or cheese and sausage wasn't going to make me feel better. In fact, it would have made me feel worse. So I stuck to my healthy snacks and meals I brought with me. I sent a text to a friend who provided AMAZING support. I also had my earbuds in practically all day with the music turned up pretty loud to drown out the sounds of my co-workers conversations as they talked about how good the food was. I listened to music, focused on my project and stuffed myself with peppers, carrots, cucumbers, strawberries, and pineapple. I took a sharpie and drew a cross on the inside of my wrist with the word 'strong' written under it to remind me that when I put my problems into God's hands, he takes them on and helps me to be strong. And I did it. I avoided all the junk food. And to top it off, I started day one of a 5k training program. And that makes me excessively happy. I feel really good about myself today.

I've been burnt out lately, and when I'm burnt out, old habits rear their ugly head. My refrigerator and cupboards were empty, which means a lot of eating out and eating on the go. I've been tired so I've been skipping work outs, or simply not putting a lot of energy into them. It's sometimes very difficult to realize that this is something I'll always have to deal with. It would be very easy to give in and give up. It would be a lot easier than fighting. But then I remembered something I had written in my journal after watching this video:

What struck me most is that Jesus had the love and adoration of the people at one point. He was popular, he had it good. But then people turned against him. Yet not once did he turn from the path before him. He had strength. Can you imagine the strength it would take to stick to your convictions and beliefs even when everyone around you has abandoned you? When you are tortured, and persecuted, and eventually crucified for the very strength you possess? I can't begin to imagine what strength and conviction that would take. 

But what I do imagine is this: If I can have even one ounce of the strength, conviction, and courage that Jesus showed, then I can accomplish great things. Jesus' strength and conviction came from his love of all people. The strength I need is to love myself. With that drop of strength, I can continue to fight this battle each day. And I can continue to ask for help, both from friends and from God. 

A piece of what I've been missing

Tonight was undeniably one of the best nights I've had in a very long time.

I spent my evening with a group of very wonderful women. And until tonight, I had no idea how much I had missed having a bunch of women that are supportive and caring and that I can rely on and spend time with.

I never realized until tonight how much I've always felt I've had to compete with other women. And in retrospect, I think many women feel the same way. I think it has gotten especially difficult for me lately because I'm single, and the majority of my peers are married. This means if I'm out somewhere, I'm often comparing myself to women who are much younger than me. I didn't realize until tonight how much that was hurting me. And I have a wonderful group of women to thank for showing me that it doesn't have to be that way.

We had a little gathering of our WW Women of The Journey tonight. It was just us, the women. No guys around, and no kids. We all brought a healthy dish to share. We each had the number of WW points readily available. Most of the food was 1-2 points per serving. What was great about this is we could really enjoy this food without the guilt and worry of 'oh no! What did I just do!?!'.

And then we sat around the table, and like kids we set about working on our weight loss 'tool boxes'. We each brought a shoe box and stuff to decorate them with. We cut and pasted and glued and taped, all the while chatting and laughing and showing each other our glitter and butterfly stickers. Into our tool boxes, we will place pieces of paper that have healthy activities as an alternative to eating on them. The idea is if we get the urge to eat, we draw a paper from the toolbox and complete the activity. In and of itself, this is a wonderful idea. But what made it even more real, is we each wrote our name and number on a piece of paper for the rest of the group to put in their box. And if we draw that paper out, we can call or text that person for support.

That word, 'support', that single word is making me tear up. I have been through many weight loss journeys in the past 4 years. And each time, I've gone at it in my usual headstrong manner. I felt it was something I needed to do for myself and by myself. I had cheerleaders the whole time, and people who offered encouragement. But the real support comes from those who are experiencing the same struggles. As I sat at that table, listening to the things that would pop up from time to time, about how we address our feelings by eating, or what our weakness is, I really for the first time felt understood. Of course you can do this by going to meetings. But it's a whole other concept when it's people you know and trust. For the first time I'm not afraid to actually reach out and ask for help. I know that if I draw that piece of paper with Julie, Lindsey, Stacey, Jessica, Christy, or Megan's name and phone number that I WILL reach out to them, just as I know they will reach out to me for support.

I haven't had a support system like this since college. For so long after I left college, I felt as if I was on my own. Living in NYC, I learned that I had to take care of myself because no one else would. But that was wrong. It's just a matter of finding the right people.

I know the memories of tonight are ones that I will treasure. I left that gathering with a warmth in my heart I haven't felt in ages. And in the coming months, when I'm feeling down and blue I will be able to remember tonight and evoke that feeling again, and I know it will help me survive.

How I came to meet these wonderful, beautiful, graceful women is through such a roundabout path. But every day, as more of these people come into my life, I see that there really is a reason for all we experience. Had I not experienced feeling completely and utterly alone, I may not value this new found community as much as I now do. I really thank the Lord for showing me this path and for guiding me to such a wonderful, loving, caring group of women.

Why do you try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

While reading the third lesson of A Spiritual Guide to Weight Loss last night, I had a revelation. And I want to share it.

This chapter is about realizing that your fear and the compulsion to eat to fill a void is bigger than you, but also realizing that God is bigger than that compulsion, and so by asking God for help, and believing that miracles are possible, you can overcome the compulsion and replace it with Love.

A particular passage struck me, about using weight to hide from the world and why that would happen. What is the root cause?

And that's where my revelation came.

I've always been afraid to stand out from those around me. But why? Because whenever I have let my talents, gifts and abilities distinguish me from my peers, I've been subjected to ridicule and derision.

I was a bright child. When I was young I was involved in Talented and Gifted programs. I was always reading and always absorbing the world around me. Intellectualism is just something that has always come easy to me. I've always excelled at what I chose to do and loved the challenges that come with continued learning.

But there were times when recognition from adults made me the object of ridicule from my peers. Gaining praise from a teacher for excelling on a test or a book report would lead to taunts of 'Teacher's pet, nerd, Smarty pants' and all other mean and hurtful things children often think of to fling at one another. In my young eyes, accolades from adults made me the target of my peers. At the time, I never realized that they were merely attention starved children who were jealous of the recognition others received. And since I couldn't very well say to all the adults in my life 'Listen, don't praise or acknowledge me in front of the others' I instead learned to with hold part of myself to fit in.

How many times have I known the answer, or knew a more efficient way to complete a project or task, but have kept quiet? Deep down I felt that standing out would make me lonely. I felt that no one would care about me, or be my friend. I didn't and don't want to live a lonely life. And so food addiction became a self delusional mechanism to balance out whatever natural skills I have so I appear less threatening to others.

There are 2 things in our culture that impact this:
1. Acknowledging your given skills and talents makes you 'egotistical' and 'arrogant'. Someone who says aloud 'Yes, I'm a smart person, I'm an intellectual, I'm a natural leader' is looked at askance and whispered about as being 'full of themselves'. And yet, should we fail to recognize the gifts we have been given by God? I'll get to more on that later.
2. Our culture views overweight people as less threatening. Don't believe me? Here's a joke I once had told to me: 'Why are fat people so jolly and friendly? Because they can't run fast enough to get away when they've pissed someone off'.' It's disguised as a joke, but think about the impact a message like that gives to impressionable children. Want further proof? Look to our media. How often do you see overweight people? What are the roles they play? They are the one to feel sorry for, the lonely heart eating a bag of cookies because they can't get the girl/guy. They are the passive aggressive ones. Or my favorite, they are the ones used as 'before' pictures in ads for the newest weight loss gimmick. Often, these people are not even overweight. They are normal. They are as God made them, but that isn't good enough.

And so I think, subconsciously, weight became a way to keep myself from being threatening to others. I didn't ask for the ability to grasp concepts and theories quickly and easily. I didn't ask to be given a very detailed and sponge-like memory. I didn't ask to have inherent leadership skills. It's just part of my personality. These are things I was born with. These are gifts from God!!!  I've been spurning God by working against Him to make myself fit in, rather than stand out.

Perhaps the gifts I've been given, the ones that I've always felt the need to temper, are part of God's plan for me. What if I was given these gifts to do exactly what I am doing now? What if I am part of God's plan to spread His love and the redeeming Grace of Jesus to others?



One thing I can say for sure: I know that I no longer need to fear being alone and unloved. I know that even if all abandon me in this world, that God's love is within me. And with God walking with me, I'll never be alone.

Faith makes such a difference

I'm so very proud of myself this week for several reasons. I seem to have taken the last lesson to heart. (What if we could see ourselves....?) I have really started to appreciate all of me and not just parts. This week I've had several amazing things happen for me. First off, when I was at yoga the other night, I actually caught myself internally saying 'Thank you God for giving me the ability to be so mobile, and thank you to my body for being so willing to twist and contort and be strong for me'. I've started to replace so many negative thoughts with positive ones and it is truly making a difference.

Many years ago, I was given a miniature Gideon Bible. It contains the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I carry it in my purse and at times will take it out when I need some guidance or lifting up. What's really neat about this particular Bible is that it contains a directory of 'Where to look when you need help' at the beginning. You can pick from headings such as depressed, anxious, backsliding, etc and underneath are a few passages to read that may apply to the situation. Today I happened to pick one from the section for Faith and I ended up reading Mark 11:24-25:

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

In my times of weakness, when I find myself heading for the candy dish, or the donuts or cookies, I've been able to stop myself and ask for guidance to navigate through those moments where I am turning to food rather than what I really need. See, what I most often find when I binge eat is that truly it's because I feel lonely and unloved. Is it right to feel that way? Absolutely not. I have many people in my life who I know love and care for me. But that fear is there, and it's very real. I have felt that way most of my life. I've never fit in with the crowd, and I always hated that. I gave up or hid many parts of myself to try and conform. The more I hid my true character, the more I hurt when I still didn't fit in. I dressed how others thought I should, listened to the music others thought I should, and so much more. I even forgot my morals and ethics to appease a boss so I wouldn't be fired.

I think that was the final straw for me. I felt so lousy about having compromised my own moral and ethical values at the expense of others. I am thankfully out from under that pressure now. But looking back at it, I can see the correlation between that environment and the depression and binge eating I've gone through in the past years.

This is where Mark 11:24-25 comes into play for me. For many years I prayed to God to make me fit in, to make me thin. There were times as a young teenager that I would lay in bed at night crying and asking God why he would do this to me. I now realize that I did it to myself, and that God was always there for me. But I still need to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive myself. You see, I am the person I have been holding something against. I've not been able to let go of that and forgive myself. In the past week I've done a lot of discernment on this particular topic. I have spent time asking God to help me find insight and strength to let go of those things I don't need, such as my grudge against myself. And somehow in the midst of all this, I forgave myself. I can't pinpoint a moment it happened. I just suddenly realized that the lightness I've felt internally is free from the shadow of that guilt. What happened has happened, and I can't change it. I can only learn from it and move on, so that's what I intend to do. When I pray, I will ask for guidance and strength to continue on this journey. I know there will be times I stumble, but I also know that I can rely on the strength and insight God has given me to get me through any storm that crosses my path.

What if we could see ourselves as God sees us?

I've had 2 wonderful people in my life criticize how they look this week. When the words came out of their mouths, I thought 'Are you kidding me?! You are so beautiful! I wish I was that beautiful! I wish you could see that!'

And isn't that really how God sees us? He loves us for all of who we are, not just parts. In His eyes we are all beautiful. When God made man and woman, he simply made man and woman. He did not make 'Beautiful Sexy Eve' and 'Hot Studly Adam'. He made man and woman without any judgement on how they looked. How have we gotten so far away from that?

All my life, I've had images in front of me of what we think a woman should look like. I've even had guys I've dated tell me I should grow my hair out long because they like women with long hair. (For the record, I look MUCH better with short hair.) Everywhere I go each day I have images of scantily clad, perfectly tanned and toned women in my face telling me that I can only have fun and be like them if I look like them. I'm speaking from my experience as a woman, but I'm sure that many men experience this, too. How many ads to we see with men wearing only their underwear with glistening six packs and ripped biceps?

But if God made us in his image, why are we trying so hard to fit into someone else's image of what we/they think we should be?

There is a moment that occurred this week that I'm quite ashamed of. It really opened my eyes to how much we let our culture and society get ingrained into us. I went to yoga and a very large woman was in the class. I thought 'what is she doing here? she can't even sit cross legged?" And then I caught myself, and I was ashamed that I would think like that. It's not so long ago that I was that woman and I felt everyone was thinking things like that about me. And then I remembered how hard it was for me when I first started down my path to be healthy. I would go to the gym specifically at hours when I knew not many people were around. Every time I'd walk on the treadmill, I'd feel all this weight jiggling and to me it felt like a tidal wave for everyone to see. And I thought 'they're all thinking 'what is she doing here?' And I let myself do it to someone else.

And then I decided to try and see her how God would see her. I sat down beside her after class and started chatting while we were putting our shoes on. She was so sweet and nice and cheerful! She has a beautiful smile that is full of light, and I could tell that she was so proud of herself for making it to that class. She has a light shining in her, as do we all. But we can't see it unless we look past the obvious.

This may seem pretty standard to some. How many times have we been told not to judge a book by it's cover? And this is definitely something I plan to work on. I want to see people as God sees them, not as our culture does.

There's a caveat here, however. If we seek to see others as God sees them, then we must seek to see ourselves as God sees us. I envision myself standing before God and and I am not this physical body. I am not fat nor skinny, beautiful or ugly, tall or short. I just am. God does not judge how I've looked through my life, but what I've done and how I've treated others and myself. The physical body means so little compared to the spirit it houses. That means that we also have to not judge ourselves when it comes to our bodies. It's a fearful thing, because we have so much thrown in our faces every day telling us what is beautiful and it's a standard the majority of us will never meet. It's fearful because we have to admit to ourselves that we are beautiful and that we deserve to be loved. Loving others is easy, loving yourself, and letting the love that surrounds you into your soul is the hard part.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

In this case, Humpty Dumpty is falling because the wall has come crumbling down. What is this wall? It's a self built wall full of so many emotions: Guilt, shame, remorse, fear, anger, pride, jealousy, greed, dishonesty, and so many others.

How did this wall come to be built? Because I wanted to be loved and accepted. And when I tried to be accepted by my peers, I let the barbs and daggers thrown my way hurt me. I tried so hard to be what I thought they all wanted me to be that when they rejected me, it hurt twofold. And so I created this wall and held on to each brick as a way to protect my heart. It's so cyclical, the want to be loved and accepted, but not being able to let others close because you don't want to be hurt. What I never realized is that all along love and acceptance was there, just waiting for me to acknowledge it.

The first lesson in A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever is acknowledging the wall exists and that you've built it so well that you can't tear it down alone. You are asked to go through a process in which you envision yourself walking with God up to the wall you've built and looking at each brick and the emotion written on it. As you see each brick, you ask God to take the hurt into his hands and help you to overcome it. As you do, God touches each brick and it crumbles. And the wall comes tumbling down as it did in Jericho so long ago.

It's still very scary though. The wall has been there for so very long. It's like when you dream you are standing in front of a crowd of friends, relatives, and peers and look down to realize you forgot to put on pants. The desire for me to let go of all this built up emotion doesn't come from a desire to be thin and fit into society's view of 'beautiful'. I want my heart to be beautiful. I want to not feel guilt and remorse because I turn to food to satisfy the place inside me that craves love. It comes from the desire to want to be happy and full of grace and life. It comes from wanting to face my demons so they no longer rule over me. I want to tear down that wall and allow myself to be filled by the love of God. I want to let myself love others freely, and realize that by letting others in, I lose nothing, even if I do get hurt.

I very strongly believe that we are never given more in our lives than we can handle. Every time we struggle or face a challenge, I believe that it's God's way of showing us that we are stronger than we think. It's also our opportunity to turn to God and place our hurt, pain, and hope in His hands.

I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my life. In fact, I'm so ashamed of some of them, that I will never even speak of them. What I didn't realize until this week, is that I can speak of them to God. Because He has seen them already, and He is still there, waiting for me to turn to Him and place my heart and my hurt in His hands.

Between this lesson and a conversation I had with a very dear friend this last weekend, I've spent the week  contemplating my past actions and words. I've finally started to let go of the shame, guilt, and remorse. And so I say to you, if I have ever hurt you in any way, I'm so very sorry. I hope you know that no matter how others treat you, you are loved by God.

It's time....

There is this great phenomena that has happened to me lately and it's such a great feeling that I tend to be in awe of it still.

For the past several years, I felt as if things weren't where they were meant to be in most aspects of my life. I've struggled with accepting who I am, what I am, and the things I've done. In the past few months, I've begun to notice how much things just seem 'right' in my life. For a long time I've been trying to put together the puzzle that is 'me' and I've been trying to force pieces in that don't belong. Some of those pieces were meant to fit elsewhere, and some were from another puzzle completely. I've worked long and hard to identify those that don't belong and search for those that do. And now it's as if the puzzle pieces are in place. I feel complete and whole.

There are many things that have led me to this place. And as I seek to re-establish this blog, I intend to explore those.

One of the major pieces that has fallen into place is my faith and spirituality. The community I have become a part of has shown me that it's OK to admit I have a personal relationship with God, to care about others, to care about myself, and to ask God and others for help when I need it. The Journey is full of wonderful supportive folks, and I'm very happy to have found them. I've also shared my struggles with depression and Compulsive Overeating with the women's Bible study group I attend. I found support and encouragement.

Sometimes we are led to things. A random last minute decision may lead to an event or experience that changes our lives. Such was the case for me last weekend. I wanted a new Bible to study from, so I went to Barnes and Noble. The first book that caught my eye in the clearance section is a book called 'A Course in Weight Loss, 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever' by Marianne Williamson. The premise is that you examine your conscious to search for negative emotions and fear you've held on to, and then you acknowledge them and place them in God's hand, asking him to help you overcome them. You replace your fears with love, and in so doing you remove the root causes that lead you to compulsive eating. There are 'workbook' type questions to meditate and contemplate on as well, so it's a very interactive book. I feel as if I was led to this book, as if I was meant to read it and understand it. As I work through the book, I'll be sharing my discoveries here.

It is not always easy being a Christian in our society, especially living in Madison which tends to be more liberal. I've always found it difficult to say out loud that I'm a Christian, because inevitably those who don't believe in God or Faith make it their mission to prove to me that I'm wrong because I can't empirically prove that God exists. They fail to understand that you can't tell me that my experiences with God in my life are not real. I was there, I've experienced them. I've felt God's hand, I've heard His voice. Christians often get such spiteful labels. We are 'Bible Thumpers', we are 'fanatics', we are 'Cheerleaders for Christ', we are 'ignorant and blind followers', we are 'sheep' and so much more. But as a Christian, I see so much goodness that comes from Faith. Just because what I believe isn't popular, doesn't mean it's wrong.

This past weekend, Pastor Steve spoke about following Jesus, and how it's very difficult. And he's right, it can be, especially with all the peer pressure we face because it isn't popular to do.

I consider myself a strong person. And I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm a very blessed person, and I know that when I'm quiet, and let myself be led by God, that I'm happy and it feels right.

So here's my resolution: I'm not hiding it. I speak to God, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe that God is alive in our lives if we choose to acknowledge Him. If that makes me an ignorant Bible Thumping Cheerleader for Christ, then I have only one thing to say:

 Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah... Goooooooo Christians!