Faith makes such a difference

I'm so very proud of myself this week for several reasons. I seem to have taken the last lesson to heart. (What if we could see ourselves....?) I have really started to appreciate all of me and not just parts. This week I've had several amazing things happen for me. First off, when I was at yoga the other night, I actually caught myself internally saying 'Thank you God for giving me the ability to be so mobile, and thank you to my body for being so willing to twist and contort and be strong for me'. I've started to replace so many negative thoughts with positive ones and it is truly making a difference.

Many years ago, I was given a miniature Gideon Bible. It contains the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I carry it in my purse and at times will take it out when I need some guidance or lifting up. What's really neat about this particular Bible is that it contains a directory of 'Where to look when you need help' at the beginning. You can pick from headings such as depressed, anxious, backsliding, etc and underneath are a few passages to read that may apply to the situation. Today I happened to pick one from the section for Faith and I ended up reading Mark 11:24-25:

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

In my times of weakness, when I find myself heading for the candy dish, or the donuts or cookies, I've been able to stop myself and ask for guidance to navigate through those moments where I am turning to food rather than what I really need. See, what I most often find when I binge eat is that truly it's because I feel lonely and unloved. Is it right to feel that way? Absolutely not. I have many people in my life who I know love and care for me. But that fear is there, and it's very real. I have felt that way most of my life. I've never fit in with the crowd, and I always hated that. I gave up or hid many parts of myself to try and conform. The more I hid my true character, the more I hurt when I still didn't fit in. I dressed how others thought I should, listened to the music others thought I should, and so much more. I even forgot my morals and ethics to appease a boss so I wouldn't be fired.

I think that was the final straw for me. I felt so lousy about having compromised my own moral and ethical values at the expense of others. I am thankfully out from under that pressure now. But looking back at it, I can see the correlation between that environment and the depression and binge eating I've gone through in the past years.

This is where Mark 11:24-25 comes into play for me. For many years I prayed to God to make me fit in, to make me thin. There were times as a young teenager that I would lay in bed at night crying and asking God why he would do this to me. I now realize that I did it to myself, and that God was always there for me. But I still need to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive myself. You see, I am the person I have been holding something against. I've not been able to let go of that and forgive myself. In the past week I've done a lot of discernment on this particular topic. I have spent time asking God to help me find insight and strength to let go of those things I don't need, such as my grudge against myself. And somehow in the midst of all this, I forgave myself. I can't pinpoint a moment it happened. I just suddenly realized that the lightness I've felt internally is free from the shadow of that guilt. What happened has happened, and I can't change it. I can only learn from it and move on, so that's what I intend to do. When I pray, I will ask for guidance and strength to continue on this journey. I know there will be times I stumble, but I also know that I can rely on the strength and insight God has given me to get me through any storm that crosses my path.