I've had 2 wonderful people in my life criticize how they look this week. When the words came out of their mouths, I thought 'Are you kidding me?! You are so beautiful! I wish I was that beautiful! I wish you could see that!'
And isn't that really how God sees us? He loves us for all of who we are, not just parts. In His eyes we are all beautiful. When God made man and woman, he simply made man and woman. He did not make 'Beautiful Sexy Eve' and 'Hot Studly Adam'. He made man and woman without any judgement on how they looked. How have we gotten so far away from that?
All my life, I've had images in front of me of what we think a woman should look like. I've even had guys I've dated tell me I should grow my hair out long because they like women with long hair. (For the record, I look MUCH better with short hair.) Everywhere I go each day I have images of scantily clad, perfectly tanned and toned women in my face telling me that I can only have fun and be like them if I look like them. I'm speaking from my experience as a woman, but I'm sure that many men experience this, too. How many ads to we see with men wearing only their underwear with glistening six packs and ripped biceps?
But if God made us in his image, why are we trying so hard to fit into someone else's image of what we/they think we should be?
There is a moment that occurred this week that I'm quite ashamed of. It really opened my eyes to how much we let our culture and society get ingrained into us. I went to yoga and a very large woman was in the class. I thought 'what is she doing here? she can't even sit cross legged?" And then I caught myself, and I was ashamed that I would think like that. It's not so long ago that I was that woman and I felt everyone was thinking things like that about me. And then I remembered how hard it was for me when I first started down my path to be healthy. I would go to the gym specifically at hours when I knew not many people were around. Every time I'd walk on the treadmill, I'd feel all this weight jiggling and to me it felt like a tidal wave for everyone to see. And I thought 'they're all thinking 'what is she doing here?' And I let myself do it to someone else.
And then I decided to try and see her how God would see her. I sat down beside her after class and started chatting while we were putting our shoes on. She was so sweet and nice and cheerful! She has a beautiful smile that is full of light, and I could tell that she was so proud of herself for making it to that class. She has a light shining in her, as do we all. But we can't see it unless we look past the obvious.
This may seem pretty standard to some. How many times have we been told not to judge a book by it's cover? And this is definitely something I plan to work on. I want to see people as God sees them, not as our culture does.
There's a caveat here, however. If we seek to see others as God sees them, then we must seek to see ourselves as God sees us. I envision myself standing before God and and I am not this physical body. I am not fat nor skinny, beautiful or ugly, tall or short. I just am. God does not judge how I've looked through my life, but what I've done and how I've treated others and myself. The physical body means so little compared to the spirit it houses. That means that we also have to not judge ourselves when it comes to our bodies. It's a fearful thing, because we have so much thrown in our faces every day telling us what is beautiful and it's a standard the majority of us will never meet. It's fearful because we have to admit to ourselves that we are beautiful and that we deserve to be loved. Loving others is easy, loving yourself, and letting the love that surrounds you into your soul is the hard part.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...
In this case, Humpty Dumpty is falling because the wall has come crumbling down. What is this wall? It's a self built wall full of so many emotions: Guilt, shame, remorse, fear, anger, pride, jealousy, greed, dishonesty, and so many others.
How did this wall come to be built? Because I wanted to be loved and accepted. And when I tried to be accepted by my peers, I let the barbs and daggers thrown my way hurt me. I tried so hard to be what I thought they all wanted me to be that when they rejected me, it hurt twofold. And so I created this wall and held on to each brick as a way to protect my heart. It's so cyclical, the want to be loved and accepted, but not being able to let others close because you don't want to be hurt. What I never realized is that all along love and acceptance was there, just waiting for me to acknowledge it.
The first lesson in A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever is acknowledging the wall exists and that you've built it so well that you can't tear it down alone. You are asked to go through a process in which you envision yourself walking with God up to the wall you've built and looking at each brick and the emotion written on it. As you see each brick, you ask God to take the hurt into his hands and help you to overcome it. As you do, God touches each brick and it crumbles. And the wall comes tumbling down as it did in Jericho so long ago.
It's still very scary though. The wall has been there for so very long. It's like when you dream you are standing in front of a crowd of friends, relatives, and peers and look down to realize you forgot to put on pants. The desire for me to let go of all this built up emotion doesn't come from a desire to be thin and fit into society's view of 'beautiful'. I want my heart to be beautiful. I want to not feel guilt and remorse because I turn to food to satisfy the place inside me that craves love. It comes from the desire to want to be happy and full of grace and life. It comes from wanting to face my demons so they no longer rule over me. I want to tear down that wall and allow myself to be filled by the love of God. I want to let myself love others freely, and realize that by letting others in, I lose nothing, even if I do get hurt.
I very strongly believe that we are never given more in our lives than we can handle. Every time we struggle or face a challenge, I believe that it's God's way of showing us that we are stronger than we think. It's also our opportunity to turn to God and place our hurt, pain, and hope in His hands.
I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my life. In fact, I'm so ashamed of some of them, that I will never even speak of them. What I didn't realize until this week, is that I can speak of them to God. Because He has seen them already, and He is still there, waiting for me to turn to Him and place my heart and my hurt in His hands.
Between this lesson and a conversation I had with a very dear friend this last weekend, I've spent the week contemplating my past actions and words. I've finally started to let go of the shame, guilt, and remorse. And so I say to you, if I have ever hurt you in any way, I'm so very sorry. I hope you know that no matter how others treat you, you are loved by God.
In this case, Humpty Dumpty is falling because the wall has come crumbling down. What is this wall? It's a self built wall full of so many emotions: Guilt, shame, remorse, fear, anger, pride, jealousy, greed, dishonesty, and so many others.
How did this wall come to be built? Because I wanted to be loved and accepted. And when I tried to be accepted by my peers, I let the barbs and daggers thrown my way hurt me. I tried so hard to be what I thought they all wanted me to be that when they rejected me, it hurt twofold. And so I created this wall and held on to each brick as a way to protect my heart. It's so cyclical, the want to be loved and accepted, but not being able to let others close because you don't want to be hurt. What I never realized is that all along love and acceptance was there, just waiting for me to acknowledge it.
The first lesson in A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever is acknowledging the wall exists and that you've built it so well that you can't tear it down alone. You are asked to go through a process in which you envision yourself walking with God up to the wall you've built and looking at each brick and the emotion written on it. As you see each brick, you ask God to take the hurt into his hands and help you to overcome it. As you do, God touches each brick and it crumbles. And the wall comes tumbling down as it did in Jericho so long ago.
It's still very scary though. The wall has been there for so very long. It's like when you dream you are standing in front of a crowd of friends, relatives, and peers and look down to realize you forgot to put on pants. The desire for me to let go of all this built up emotion doesn't come from a desire to be thin and fit into society's view of 'beautiful'. I want my heart to be beautiful. I want to not feel guilt and remorse because I turn to food to satisfy the place inside me that craves love. It comes from the desire to want to be happy and full of grace and life. It comes from wanting to face my demons so they no longer rule over me. I want to tear down that wall and allow myself to be filled by the love of God. I want to let myself love others freely, and realize that by letting others in, I lose nothing, even if I do get hurt.
I very strongly believe that we are never given more in our lives than we can handle. Every time we struggle or face a challenge, I believe that it's God's way of showing us that we are stronger than we think. It's also our opportunity to turn to God and place our hurt, pain, and hope in His hands.
I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my life. In fact, I'm so ashamed of some of them, that I will never even speak of them. What I didn't realize until this week, is that I can speak of them to God. Because He has seen them already, and He is still there, waiting for me to turn to Him and place my heart and my hurt in His hands.
Between this lesson and a conversation I had with a very dear friend this last weekend, I've spent the week contemplating my past actions and words. I've finally started to let go of the shame, guilt, and remorse. And so I say to you, if I have ever hurt you in any way, I'm so very sorry. I hope you know that no matter how others treat you, you are loved by God.
Monday, January 23, 2012
It's time....
There is this great phenomena that has happened to me lately and it's such a great feeling that I tend to be in awe of it still.
For the past several years, I felt as if things weren't where they were meant to be in most aspects of my life. I've struggled with accepting who I am, what I am, and the things I've done. In the past few months, I've begun to notice how much things just seem 'right' in my life. For a long time I've been trying to put together the puzzle that is 'me' and I've been trying to force pieces in that don't belong. Some of those pieces were meant to fit elsewhere, and some were from another puzzle completely. I've worked long and hard to identify those that don't belong and search for those that do. And now it's as if the puzzle pieces are in place. I feel complete and whole.
There are many things that have led me to this place. And as I seek to re-establish this blog, I intend to explore those.
One of the major pieces that has fallen into place is my faith and spirituality. The community I have become a part of has shown me that it's OK to admit I have a personal relationship with God, to care about others, to care about myself, and to ask God and others for help when I need it. The Journey is full of wonderful supportive folks, and I'm very happy to have found them. I've also shared my struggles with depression and Compulsive Overeating with the women's Bible study group I attend. I found support and encouragement.
Sometimes we are led to things. A random last minute decision may lead to an event or experience that changes our lives. Such was the case for me last weekend. I wanted a new Bible to study from, so I went to Barnes and Noble. The first book that caught my eye in the clearance section is a book called 'A Course in Weight Loss, 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever' by Marianne Williamson. The premise is that you examine your conscious to search for negative emotions and fear you've held on to, and then you acknowledge them and place them in God's hand, asking him to help you overcome them. You replace your fears with love, and in so doing you remove the root causes that lead you to compulsive eating. There are 'workbook' type questions to meditate and contemplate on as well, so it's a very interactive book. I feel as if I was led to this book, as if I was meant to read it and understand it. As I work through the book, I'll be sharing my discoveries here.
It is not always easy being a Christian in our society, especially living in Madison which tends to be more liberal. I've always found it difficult to say out loud that I'm a Christian, because inevitably those who don't believe in God or Faith make it their mission to prove to me that I'm wrong because I can't empirically prove that God exists. They fail to understand that you can't tell me that my experiences with God in my life are not real. I was there, I've experienced them. I've felt God's hand, I've heard His voice. Christians often get such spiteful labels. We are 'Bible Thumpers', we are 'fanatics', we are 'Cheerleaders for Christ', we are 'ignorant and blind followers', we are 'sheep' and so much more. But as a Christian, I see so much goodness that comes from Faith. Just because what I believe isn't popular, doesn't mean it's wrong.
This past weekend, Pastor Steve spoke about following Jesus, and how it's very difficult. And he's right, it can be, especially with all the peer pressure we face because it isn't popular to do.
I consider myself a strong person. And I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm a very blessed person, and I know that when I'm quiet, and let myself be led by God, that I'm happy and it feels right.
So here's my resolution: I'm not hiding it. I speak to God, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe that God is alive in our lives if we choose to acknowledge Him. If that makes me an ignorant Bible Thumping Cheerleader for Christ, then I have only one thing to say:
For the past several years, I felt as if things weren't where they were meant to be in most aspects of my life. I've struggled with accepting who I am, what I am, and the things I've done. In the past few months, I've begun to notice how much things just seem 'right' in my life. For a long time I've been trying to put together the puzzle that is 'me' and I've been trying to force pieces in that don't belong. Some of those pieces were meant to fit elsewhere, and some were from another puzzle completely. I've worked long and hard to identify those that don't belong and search for those that do. And now it's as if the puzzle pieces are in place. I feel complete and whole.
There are many things that have led me to this place. And as I seek to re-establish this blog, I intend to explore those.
One of the major pieces that has fallen into place is my faith and spirituality. The community I have become a part of has shown me that it's OK to admit I have a personal relationship with God, to care about others, to care about myself, and to ask God and others for help when I need it. The Journey is full of wonderful supportive folks, and I'm very happy to have found them. I've also shared my struggles with depression and Compulsive Overeating with the women's Bible study group I attend. I found support and encouragement.
Sometimes we are led to things. A random last minute decision may lead to an event or experience that changes our lives. Such was the case for me last weekend. I wanted a new Bible to study from, so I went to Barnes and Noble. The first book that caught my eye in the clearance section is a book called 'A Course in Weight Loss, 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever' by Marianne Williamson. The premise is that you examine your conscious to search for negative emotions and fear you've held on to, and then you acknowledge them and place them in God's hand, asking him to help you overcome them. You replace your fears with love, and in so doing you remove the root causes that lead you to compulsive eating. There are 'workbook' type questions to meditate and contemplate on as well, so it's a very interactive book. I feel as if I was led to this book, as if I was meant to read it and understand it. As I work through the book, I'll be sharing my discoveries here.
It is not always easy being a Christian in our society, especially living in Madison which tends to be more liberal. I've always found it difficult to say out loud that I'm a Christian, because inevitably those who don't believe in God or Faith make it their mission to prove to me that I'm wrong because I can't empirically prove that God exists. They fail to understand that you can't tell me that my experiences with God in my life are not real. I was there, I've experienced them. I've felt God's hand, I've heard His voice. Christians often get such spiteful labels. We are 'Bible Thumpers', we are 'fanatics', we are 'Cheerleaders for Christ', we are 'ignorant and blind followers', we are 'sheep' and so much more. But as a Christian, I see so much goodness that comes from Faith. Just because what I believe isn't popular, doesn't mean it's wrong.
This past weekend, Pastor Steve spoke about following Jesus, and how it's very difficult. And he's right, it can be, especially with all the peer pressure we face because it isn't popular to do.
I consider myself a strong person. And I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm a very blessed person, and I know that when I'm quiet, and let myself be led by God, that I'm happy and it feels right.
So here's my resolution: I'm not hiding it. I speak to God, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe that God is alive in our lives if we choose to acknowledge Him. If that makes me an ignorant Bible Thumping Cheerleader for Christ, then I have only one thing to say:
Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah... Goooooooo Christians!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Why I miss 'me'...
Today was, in a word, refreshing. Nothing big happened, nothing that is out of the norm for a Monday.
Except, for whatever reason, I have the energy of the 'me' I missed. This is the 'me' that gets up early and gets a good workout in, who has her lunch packed and ready to go, who gets to work BEFORE 8am, and who is focused and productive all day.
When depression hits, that 'me' goes away. I can barely get out of bed, can't focus, and am continuously late. I come home from work listless and tired, and do nothing all night other than lay on the couch.
I don't know if it's the Vitamin D supplements or what. It shouldn't be that the new medication is affecting me just yet, as it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels.Or it could just be an upswing that is naturally trying to balance out the low I was in all last week.
Whatever the reason, the old 'me' reappeared today. And it felt lovely. It felt great to smile, to focus on a task, to spend an actual 8 hours doing actual work, instead of zoning out like I have been. I feel so accomplished today! I tackled a project that is a level above me, but that I was given because of my 'go getter' attitude. I re-vamped my test case to be more streamlined and comprehensive, and I'm really proud of that! It was a LOT of tedious work in Excel, and after awhile your eyes can go batty from staring at spreadsheets for too long.
This is the real Christine. And dang if I didn't miss her!
Except, for whatever reason, I have the energy of the 'me' I missed. This is the 'me' that gets up early and gets a good workout in, who has her lunch packed and ready to go, who gets to work BEFORE 8am, and who is focused and productive all day.
When depression hits, that 'me' goes away. I can barely get out of bed, can't focus, and am continuously late. I come home from work listless and tired, and do nothing all night other than lay on the couch.
I don't know if it's the Vitamin D supplements or what. It shouldn't be that the new medication is affecting me just yet, as it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels.Or it could just be an upswing that is naturally trying to balance out the low I was in all last week.
Whatever the reason, the old 'me' reappeared today. And it felt lovely. It felt great to smile, to focus on a task, to spend an actual 8 hours doing actual work, instead of zoning out like I have been. I feel so accomplished today! I tackled a project that is a level above me, but that I was given because of my 'go getter' attitude. I re-vamped my test case to be more streamlined and comprehensive, and I'm really proud of that! It was a LOT of tedious work in Excel, and after awhile your eyes can go batty from staring at spreadsheets for too long.
This is the real Christine. And dang if I didn't miss her!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Why I don't mind admitting I have a problem...
It's hard to open up and talk about the really scary things going through your head with someone who isn't one of your best friends. It's hard when it's a doctor...
It's even harder when it's a doctor you've never seen before. My Primary Doctor is no longer practicing family medicine. Instead she now is 100% allocated to the Weight Management clinic.
So I got to see Dr. Porter at Dean West yesterday. It was hard having to fill out that little depression survey and answer 'most days' to the 'thoughts of hurting yourself' question. It was even harder talking about how scared I am with someone I've never met.
Luckily, she's a good doctor. She was very kind, compassionate, and understanding.
After talking for awhile, she confirmed that this onset is probably a seasonal thing. While the medication I was on helped last winter when I started it, and kept me level and stable through the summer, now that the days are shorter and the sun is out less that medication is not helping quite as much. So we discussed a few different things: Light therapy (not covered by insurance) was one. Light boxes cost from about $70 - $300 depending on what you get. She also recommended Vitamin D supplements, and of course, an additional medication. The good news is, the medication she put me on has a history of working very well in tandem with the other one I'm on.
The bad news is, it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in the body, during which time there may be an increase in thoughts of self harm and suicide. Great.
I think I'll be fine. I've got enough people keeping an eye on me. (Again, to my 4 Knights in Shining Armor...Thanks). Having Romeow around helps. He's so loving and we usually spend at least an hour a night laying on the couch together cuddling. I also know I can go hang out with the Rush's and hold baby Eli, because babies are ALWAYS adorable and you can't help but smile when you hold them...as long as their asleep or in a good mood.
I'm really proud of myself for seeing the symptoms of the onset of depression and getting in to see someone right away. I'll also be going back to therapy. At least through the winter to get through this. It's not easy to own up to. especially when you are so used to taking care of yourself.
I don't mind admitting I have a problem, even if it's one that is embarrassing. But I also know it's one I can't control. I cannot control the level of different chemicals in my body, and I can't control the thoughts and feelings that come from it. I'm OK admitting I need some help. And I'm really glad I went as soon as I figured it out. I cannot have a repeat of last year, and I really want to enjoy my fall and winter as much as I can.
It's even harder when it's a doctor you've never seen before. My Primary Doctor is no longer practicing family medicine. Instead she now is 100% allocated to the Weight Management clinic.
So I got to see Dr. Porter at Dean West yesterday. It was hard having to fill out that little depression survey and answer 'most days' to the 'thoughts of hurting yourself' question. It was even harder talking about how scared I am with someone I've never met.
Luckily, she's a good doctor. She was very kind, compassionate, and understanding.
After talking for awhile, she confirmed that this onset is probably a seasonal thing. While the medication I was on helped last winter when I started it, and kept me level and stable through the summer, now that the days are shorter and the sun is out less that medication is not helping quite as much. So we discussed a few different things: Light therapy (not covered by insurance) was one. Light boxes cost from about $70 - $300 depending on what you get. She also recommended Vitamin D supplements, and of course, an additional medication. The good news is, the medication she put me on has a history of working very well in tandem with the other one I'm on.
The bad news is, it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in the body, during which time there may be an increase in thoughts of self harm and suicide. Great.
I think I'll be fine. I've got enough people keeping an eye on me. (Again, to my 4 Knights in Shining Armor...Thanks). Having Romeow around helps. He's so loving and we usually spend at least an hour a night laying on the couch together cuddling. I also know I can go hang out with the Rush's and hold baby Eli, because babies are ALWAYS adorable and you can't help but smile when you hold them...as long as their asleep or in a good mood.
I'm really proud of myself for seeing the symptoms of the onset of depression and getting in to see someone right away. I'll also be going back to therapy. At least through the winter to get through this. It's not easy to own up to. especially when you are so used to taking care of yourself.
I don't mind admitting I have a problem, even if it's one that is embarrassing. But I also know it's one I can't control. I cannot control the level of different chemicals in my body, and I can't control the thoughts and feelings that come from it. I'm OK admitting I need some help. And I'm really glad I went as soon as I figured it out. I cannot have a repeat of last year, and I really want to enjoy my fall and winter as much as I can.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Why I love when my friends prove me wrong
Not going to lie. This past week has been rough.
There's nothing spectacular happening, no big event to trigger it all.
And that was my first hint that something just isn't right.
When I started blogging, I said I would be honest about everything, the eating disorder, the depression, binges...everything. It may be hard for some people, the people who do truly love me and care about me, to read this. But I can't censor what is going on and water it down.
The truth is, I had some very scary thoughts this past week. I don't know why. I don't know how this triggered, or what happened. I haven't been working out much lately, and I haven't been making great eating choices either. That's another sign.
Last Saturday, I went for a run. My running time is when I decompress. I hadn't ran in awhile, and pretty much haven't decompressed in the same amount of time.
It hit me hard. Physically, I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. I lost my breath, and my heart ached. Mentally, it was like a dam burst. There wasn't any one particular thing that came through, but none of it was good. Just a whole lot of sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion. I did something I rarely do outside the confines of my home, or therapy appointment. I burst into tears. I had to walk, sobbing, back to my car.
Typically, this would be the perfect set up for a binge. But since I'm so conscious and aware of the triggers for a binge, I won't let myself give in. But here's the thing: the release may have been circumvented, but the urge to do something wreckless, violent, and self damaging did not. In fact, it was stronger than it's ever been.
And that scared me. A lot.
I'm not a violent person, at all. So having the urge to throw something at the wall, or to break something, or to punch something was quite frightening to me. Much more so the other thoughts that passed through my mind.
How do you deal with it when the person you're afraid of is yourself?
Part of all of this feeling is the feeling and thought that no one cares about you. If you were to be gone, to disappear, no one would care, and no one would notice.
I turned off my phone for 3 days. I didn't check my email. I didn't go on Facebook or other networking sites. I got up, I went to work, I came home.
It hit me about midday Monday that this is not right. Something is not right. So I called my Doctor and I'm going in tomorrow.
As I think through it, I've been going in a downward spiral for quite a few weeks. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I get lethargic and muddle brained in the afternoon, and when I get home I'm exhausted.
Ding ding ding!!! Lightbulb went off. This is how the bad depression I went through last year started.
I do not want to go through that again. Last fall and winter were so hard. I don't want to be in that place again.
So, I'm hoping that I can go to my (new) primary doctor tomorrow and get something figured out. Cross your fingers.
Oh, and as for my friends proving me wrong? There are 3 who reached out to me when I was at my worst. All three of them felt something was going on, and, each in their own way, sent support my way.
And for that, I'm extremely grateful.
There's nothing spectacular happening, no big event to trigger it all.
And that was my first hint that something just isn't right.
When I started blogging, I said I would be honest about everything, the eating disorder, the depression, binges...everything. It may be hard for some people, the people who do truly love me and care about me, to read this. But I can't censor what is going on and water it down.
The truth is, I had some very scary thoughts this past week. I don't know why. I don't know how this triggered, or what happened. I haven't been working out much lately, and I haven't been making great eating choices either. That's another sign.
Last Saturday, I went for a run. My running time is when I decompress. I hadn't ran in awhile, and pretty much haven't decompressed in the same amount of time.
It hit me hard. Physically, I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. I lost my breath, and my heart ached. Mentally, it was like a dam burst. There wasn't any one particular thing that came through, but none of it was good. Just a whole lot of sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion. I did something I rarely do outside the confines of my home, or therapy appointment. I burst into tears. I had to walk, sobbing, back to my car.
Typically, this would be the perfect set up for a binge. But since I'm so conscious and aware of the triggers for a binge, I won't let myself give in. But here's the thing: the release may have been circumvented, but the urge to do something wreckless, violent, and self damaging did not. In fact, it was stronger than it's ever been.
And that scared me. A lot.
I'm not a violent person, at all. So having the urge to throw something at the wall, or to break something, or to punch something was quite frightening to me. Much more so the other thoughts that passed through my mind.
How do you deal with it when the person you're afraid of is yourself?
Part of all of this feeling is the feeling and thought that no one cares about you. If you were to be gone, to disappear, no one would care, and no one would notice.
I turned off my phone for 3 days. I didn't check my email. I didn't go on Facebook or other networking sites. I got up, I went to work, I came home.
It hit me about midday Monday that this is not right. Something is not right. So I called my Doctor and I'm going in tomorrow.
As I think through it, I've been going in a downward spiral for quite a few weeks. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I get lethargic and muddle brained in the afternoon, and when I get home I'm exhausted.
Ding ding ding!!! Lightbulb went off. This is how the bad depression I went through last year started.
I do not want to go through that again. Last fall and winter were so hard. I don't want to be in that place again.
So, I'm hoping that I can go to my (new) primary doctor tomorrow and get something figured out. Cross your fingers.
Oh, and as for my friends proving me wrong? There are 3 who reached out to me when I was at my worst. All three of them felt something was going on, and, each in their own way, sent support my way.
And for that, I'm extremely grateful.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Why being able to compartmentalize can become dangerous and destructive
I'm damn good at compartmentalizing things. I think it's how I cope with being able to do so many things at once. If something pops up and I'm in the middle of something else, I can 'file it away' in a mental filing cabinet to deal with later. This is a very useful tactic for remaining focused on the task at hand.
The pitfall of this is that sometimes I forget there are things I've filed away and need to process and deal with. These are things that are generally more emotional in nature. And then the drawer just bursts open at some random time and everything else in my world just stops as I try to clean up the mess.
I didn't realize I'd been holding back some pretty deep and strong emotional things lately. I know I had made a conscious decision at some point to file this away to deal with when the time was right, but I didn't realize that my brain went on autopilot after that and kept adding to that file. It's like a virus, it lays in wait, quietly attacking and causing damage and is only discovered when it messes stuff up. And the only thing you can do is let it run it's course. I went for a run in the conservancy yesterday. It's the first time in a long time I'd gone for a run there. About 3/4 of the way through my run, all this pent up emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. And I just lost it right there. And I'm still reeling from it.
Looking back at the past few months, I can see some of the signs were there, only I wasn't really paying attention. My eating choices have become more on the poor side lately and my will to workout has fallen to the sidelines. These are usually warning signs for me. I only started recognizing them late this past week. And since running is my time to clear my mind, I think my brain finally put things together for me. I've been binging and reverting to old, comforting habits because I am emotionally stressed. And it all just came up like emotional vomit.
I'm scared. It was at this time last year that these behaviors started to become prevalent and it finally led to me breaking down in my therapists office and being diagnosed with depression. For some reason, even though its my favorite season of the year, Fall and Winter trigger these emotions and behaviors. The medication helped, but because of the therapeutic lag in efficacy, I ended up not feeling better until February. Last Fall and Winter were very very hard on me. It still hurts to even think of how I felt. And I so desperately do not want to experience that again. But I'm very scared that is the path I'm headed down. I'm finding myself stuck in that same mindset: No one cares, everyone has their own burdens and worries and don't want to hear about yours, I don't want to be around people, and yet feel so lonely, what's the point of doing anything productive, or being social, it all just leads to disappointment anyhow.
I'm sure this revelation will come as a surprise to so many people I interact with regularly. I saw an interesting comment today: People think Depression looks like this:
The pitfall of this is that sometimes I forget there are things I've filed away and need to process and deal with. These are things that are generally more emotional in nature. And then the drawer just bursts open at some random time and everything else in my world just stops as I try to clean up the mess.
I didn't realize I'd been holding back some pretty deep and strong emotional things lately. I know I had made a conscious decision at some point to file this away to deal with when the time was right, but I didn't realize that my brain went on autopilot after that and kept adding to that file. It's like a virus, it lays in wait, quietly attacking and causing damage and is only discovered when it messes stuff up. And the only thing you can do is let it run it's course. I went for a run in the conservancy yesterday. It's the first time in a long time I'd gone for a run there. About 3/4 of the way through my run, all this pent up emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. And I just lost it right there. And I'm still reeling from it.
Looking back at the past few months, I can see some of the signs were there, only I wasn't really paying attention. My eating choices have become more on the poor side lately and my will to workout has fallen to the sidelines. These are usually warning signs for me. I only started recognizing them late this past week. And since running is my time to clear my mind, I think my brain finally put things together for me. I've been binging and reverting to old, comforting habits because I am emotionally stressed. And it all just came up like emotional vomit.
I'm scared. It was at this time last year that these behaviors started to become prevalent and it finally led to me breaking down in my therapists office and being diagnosed with depression. For some reason, even though its my favorite season of the year, Fall and Winter trigger these emotions and behaviors. The medication helped, but because of the therapeutic lag in efficacy, I ended up not feeling better until February. Last Fall and Winter were very very hard on me. It still hurts to even think of how I felt. And I so desperately do not want to experience that again. But I'm very scared that is the path I'm headed down. I'm finding myself stuck in that same mindset: No one cares, everyone has their own burdens and worries and don't want to hear about yours, I don't want to be around people, and yet feel so lonely, what's the point of doing anything productive, or being social, it all just leads to disappointment anyhow.
I'm sure this revelation will come as a surprise to so many people I interact with regularly. I saw an interesting comment today: People think Depression looks like this:
When the truth is, the public face of depression looks like this:
Put on a smile and get by so no one realizes how much you are hurting inside.
It's hard to not put the smile on and get by when you feel no one can understand.
I'm so scared and worried and stressed right now. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to feel this way again.
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