It CAN be done!

If there was ever a test of my strength and will to overcome binging temptation, it was today. Fat Tuesday, of all days. Of course there was a potluck at work, and of course the food tables were right outside my cubicle again. But I told myself I would NOT eat any junk food. And guess what? I didn't.

It took a lot to resist. And I actually ended up leaving work early because the smell was weakening my strength. But I took time to actually think about why I wanted to eat and to realize that eating those cookies, or crab dip, or pumpkin bread, or cheese and sausage wasn't going to make me feel better. In fact, it would have made me feel worse. So I stuck to my healthy snacks and meals I brought with me. I sent a text to a friend who provided AMAZING support. I also had my earbuds in practically all day with the music turned up pretty loud to drown out the sounds of my co-workers conversations as they talked about how good the food was. I listened to music, focused on my project and stuffed myself with peppers, carrots, cucumbers, strawberries, and pineapple. I took a sharpie and drew a cross on the inside of my wrist with the word 'strong' written under it to remind me that when I put my problems into God's hands, he takes them on and helps me to be strong. And I did it. I avoided all the junk food. And to top it off, I started day one of a 5k training program. And that makes me excessively happy. I feel really good about myself today.

I've been burnt out lately, and when I'm burnt out, old habits rear their ugly head. My refrigerator and cupboards were empty, which means a lot of eating out and eating on the go. I've been tired so I've been skipping work outs, or simply not putting a lot of energy into them. It's sometimes very difficult to realize that this is something I'll always have to deal with. It would be very easy to give in and give up. It would be a lot easier than fighting. But then I remembered something I had written in my journal after watching this video:

What struck me most is that Jesus had the love and adoration of the people at one point. He was popular, he had it good. But then people turned against him. Yet not once did he turn from the path before him. He had strength. Can you imagine the strength it would take to stick to your convictions and beliefs even when everyone around you has abandoned you? When you are tortured, and persecuted, and eventually crucified for the very strength you possess? I can't begin to imagine what strength and conviction that would take. 

But what I do imagine is this: If I can have even one ounce of the strength, conviction, and courage that Jesus showed, then I can accomplish great things. Jesus' strength and conviction came from his love of all people. The strength I need is to love myself. With that drop of strength, I can continue to fight this battle each day. And I can continue to ask for help, both from friends and from God. 

A piece of what I've been missing

Tonight was undeniably one of the best nights I've had in a very long time.

I spent my evening with a group of very wonderful women. And until tonight, I had no idea how much I had missed having a bunch of women that are supportive and caring and that I can rely on and spend time with.

I never realized until tonight how much I've always felt I've had to compete with other women. And in retrospect, I think many women feel the same way. I think it has gotten especially difficult for me lately because I'm single, and the majority of my peers are married. This means if I'm out somewhere, I'm often comparing myself to women who are much younger than me. I didn't realize until tonight how much that was hurting me. And I have a wonderful group of women to thank for showing me that it doesn't have to be that way.

We had a little gathering of our WW Women of The Journey tonight. It was just us, the women. No guys around, and no kids. We all brought a healthy dish to share. We each had the number of WW points readily available. Most of the food was 1-2 points per serving. What was great about this is we could really enjoy this food without the guilt and worry of 'oh no! What did I just do!?!'.

And then we sat around the table, and like kids we set about working on our weight loss 'tool boxes'. We each brought a shoe box and stuff to decorate them with. We cut and pasted and glued and taped, all the while chatting and laughing and showing each other our glitter and butterfly stickers. Into our tool boxes, we will place pieces of paper that have healthy activities as an alternative to eating on them. The idea is if we get the urge to eat, we draw a paper from the toolbox and complete the activity. In and of itself, this is a wonderful idea. But what made it even more real, is we each wrote our name and number on a piece of paper for the rest of the group to put in their box. And if we draw that paper out, we can call or text that person for support.

That word, 'support', that single word is making me tear up. I have been through many weight loss journeys in the past 4 years. And each time, I've gone at it in my usual headstrong manner. I felt it was something I needed to do for myself and by myself. I had cheerleaders the whole time, and people who offered encouragement. But the real support comes from those who are experiencing the same struggles. As I sat at that table, listening to the things that would pop up from time to time, about how we address our feelings by eating, or what our weakness is, I really for the first time felt understood. Of course you can do this by going to meetings. But it's a whole other concept when it's people you know and trust. For the first time I'm not afraid to actually reach out and ask for help. I know that if I draw that piece of paper with Julie, Lindsey, Stacey, Jessica, Christy, or Megan's name and phone number that I WILL reach out to them, just as I know they will reach out to me for support.

I haven't had a support system like this since college. For so long after I left college, I felt as if I was on my own. Living in NYC, I learned that I had to take care of myself because no one else would. But that was wrong. It's just a matter of finding the right people.

I know the memories of tonight are ones that I will treasure. I left that gathering with a warmth in my heart I haven't felt in ages. And in the coming months, when I'm feeling down and blue I will be able to remember tonight and evoke that feeling again, and I know it will help me survive.

How I came to meet these wonderful, beautiful, graceful women is through such a roundabout path. But every day, as more of these people come into my life, I see that there really is a reason for all we experience. Had I not experienced feeling completely and utterly alone, I may not value this new found community as much as I now do. I really thank the Lord for showing me this path and for guiding me to such a wonderful, loving, caring group of women.

Why do you try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

While reading the third lesson of A Spiritual Guide to Weight Loss last night, I had a revelation. And I want to share it.

This chapter is about realizing that your fear and the compulsion to eat to fill a void is bigger than you, but also realizing that God is bigger than that compulsion, and so by asking God for help, and believing that miracles are possible, you can overcome the compulsion and replace it with Love.

A particular passage struck me, about using weight to hide from the world and why that would happen. What is the root cause?

And that's where my revelation came.

I've always been afraid to stand out from those around me. But why? Because whenever I have let my talents, gifts and abilities distinguish me from my peers, I've been subjected to ridicule and derision.

I was a bright child. When I was young I was involved in Talented and Gifted programs. I was always reading and always absorbing the world around me. Intellectualism is just something that has always come easy to me. I've always excelled at what I chose to do and loved the challenges that come with continued learning.

But there were times when recognition from adults made me the object of ridicule from my peers. Gaining praise from a teacher for excelling on a test or a book report would lead to taunts of 'Teacher's pet, nerd, Smarty pants' and all other mean and hurtful things children often think of to fling at one another. In my young eyes, accolades from adults made me the target of my peers. At the time, I never realized that they were merely attention starved children who were jealous of the recognition others received. And since I couldn't very well say to all the adults in my life 'Listen, don't praise or acknowledge me in front of the others' I instead learned to with hold part of myself to fit in.

How many times have I known the answer, or knew a more efficient way to complete a project or task, but have kept quiet? Deep down I felt that standing out would make me lonely. I felt that no one would care about me, or be my friend. I didn't and don't want to live a lonely life. And so food addiction became a self delusional mechanism to balance out whatever natural skills I have so I appear less threatening to others.

There are 2 things in our culture that impact this:
1. Acknowledging your given skills and talents makes you 'egotistical' and 'arrogant'. Someone who says aloud 'Yes, I'm a smart person, I'm an intellectual, I'm a natural leader' is looked at askance and whispered about as being 'full of themselves'. And yet, should we fail to recognize the gifts we have been given by God? I'll get to more on that later.
2. Our culture views overweight people as less threatening. Don't believe me? Here's a joke I once had told to me: 'Why are fat people so jolly and friendly? Because they can't run fast enough to get away when they've pissed someone off'.' It's disguised as a joke, but think about the impact a message like that gives to impressionable children. Want further proof? Look to our media. How often do you see overweight people? What are the roles they play? They are the one to feel sorry for, the lonely heart eating a bag of cookies because they can't get the girl/guy. They are the passive aggressive ones. Or my favorite, they are the ones used as 'before' pictures in ads for the newest weight loss gimmick. Often, these people are not even overweight. They are normal. They are as God made them, but that isn't good enough.

And so I think, subconsciously, weight became a way to keep myself from being threatening to others. I didn't ask for the ability to grasp concepts and theories quickly and easily. I didn't ask to be given a very detailed and sponge-like memory. I didn't ask to have inherent leadership skills. It's just part of my personality. These are things I was born with. These are gifts from God!!!  I've been spurning God by working against Him to make myself fit in, rather than stand out.

Perhaps the gifts I've been given, the ones that I've always felt the need to temper, are part of God's plan for me. What if I was given these gifts to do exactly what I am doing now? What if I am part of God's plan to spread His love and the redeeming Grace of Jesus to others?



One thing I can say for sure: I know that I no longer need to fear being alone and unloved. I know that even if all abandon me in this world, that God's love is within me. And with God walking with me, I'll never be alone.

Faith makes such a difference

I'm so very proud of myself this week for several reasons. I seem to have taken the last lesson to heart. (What if we could see ourselves....?) I have really started to appreciate all of me and not just parts. This week I've had several amazing things happen for me. First off, when I was at yoga the other night, I actually caught myself internally saying 'Thank you God for giving me the ability to be so mobile, and thank you to my body for being so willing to twist and contort and be strong for me'. I've started to replace so many negative thoughts with positive ones and it is truly making a difference.

Many years ago, I was given a miniature Gideon Bible. It contains the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I carry it in my purse and at times will take it out when I need some guidance or lifting up. What's really neat about this particular Bible is that it contains a directory of 'Where to look when you need help' at the beginning. You can pick from headings such as depressed, anxious, backsliding, etc and underneath are a few passages to read that may apply to the situation. Today I happened to pick one from the section for Faith and I ended up reading Mark 11:24-25:

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

In my times of weakness, when I find myself heading for the candy dish, or the donuts or cookies, I've been able to stop myself and ask for guidance to navigate through those moments where I am turning to food rather than what I really need. See, what I most often find when I binge eat is that truly it's because I feel lonely and unloved. Is it right to feel that way? Absolutely not. I have many people in my life who I know love and care for me. But that fear is there, and it's very real. I have felt that way most of my life. I've never fit in with the crowd, and I always hated that. I gave up or hid many parts of myself to try and conform. The more I hid my true character, the more I hurt when I still didn't fit in. I dressed how others thought I should, listened to the music others thought I should, and so much more. I even forgot my morals and ethics to appease a boss so I wouldn't be fired.

I think that was the final straw for me. I felt so lousy about having compromised my own moral and ethical values at the expense of others. I am thankfully out from under that pressure now. But looking back at it, I can see the correlation between that environment and the depression and binge eating I've gone through in the past years.

This is where Mark 11:24-25 comes into play for me. For many years I prayed to God to make me fit in, to make me thin. There were times as a young teenager that I would lay in bed at night crying and asking God why he would do this to me. I now realize that I did it to myself, and that God was always there for me. But I still need to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive myself. You see, I am the person I have been holding something against. I've not been able to let go of that and forgive myself. In the past week I've done a lot of discernment on this particular topic. I have spent time asking God to help me find insight and strength to let go of those things I don't need, such as my grudge against myself. And somehow in the midst of all this, I forgave myself. I can't pinpoint a moment it happened. I just suddenly realized that the lightness I've felt internally is free from the shadow of that guilt. What happened has happened, and I can't change it. I can only learn from it and move on, so that's what I intend to do. When I pray, I will ask for guidance and strength to continue on this journey. I know there will be times I stumble, but I also know that I can rely on the strength and insight God has given me to get me through any storm that crosses my path.

What if we could see ourselves as God sees us?

I've had 2 wonderful people in my life criticize how they look this week. When the words came out of their mouths, I thought 'Are you kidding me?! You are so beautiful! I wish I was that beautiful! I wish you could see that!'

And isn't that really how God sees us? He loves us for all of who we are, not just parts. In His eyes we are all beautiful. When God made man and woman, he simply made man and woman. He did not make 'Beautiful Sexy Eve' and 'Hot Studly Adam'. He made man and woman without any judgement on how they looked. How have we gotten so far away from that?

All my life, I've had images in front of me of what we think a woman should look like. I've even had guys I've dated tell me I should grow my hair out long because they like women with long hair. (For the record, I look MUCH better with short hair.) Everywhere I go each day I have images of scantily clad, perfectly tanned and toned women in my face telling me that I can only have fun and be like them if I look like them. I'm speaking from my experience as a woman, but I'm sure that many men experience this, too. How many ads to we see with men wearing only their underwear with glistening six packs and ripped biceps?

But if God made us in his image, why are we trying so hard to fit into someone else's image of what we/they think we should be?

There is a moment that occurred this week that I'm quite ashamed of. It really opened my eyes to how much we let our culture and society get ingrained into us. I went to yoga and a very large woman was in the class. I thought 'what is she doing here? she can't even sit cross legged?" And then I caught myself, and I was ashamed that I would think like that. It's not so long ago that I was that woman and I felt everyone was thinking things like that about me. And then I remembered how hard it was for me when I first started down my path to be healthy. I would go to the gym specifically at hours when I knew not many people were around. Every time I'd walk on the treadmill, I'd feel all this weight jiggling and to me it felt like a tidal wave for everyone to see. And I thought 'they're all thinking 'what is she doing here?' And I let myself do it to someone else.

And then I decided to try and see her how God would see her. I sat down beside her after class and started chatting while we were putting our shoes on. She was so sweet and nice and cheerful! She has a beautiful smile that is full of light, and I could tell that she was so proud of herself for making it to that class. She has a light shining in her, as do we all. But we can't see it unless we look past the obvious.

This may seem pretty standard to some. How many times have we been told not to judge a book by it's cover? And this is definitely something I plan to work on. I want to see people as God sees them, not as our culture does.

There's a caveat here, however. If we seek to see others as God sees them, then we must seek to see ourselves as God sees us. I envision myself standing before God and and I am not this physical body. I am not fat nor skinny, beautiful or ugly, tall or short. I just am. God does not judge how I've looked through my life, but what I've done and how I've treated others and myself. The physical body means so little compared to the spirit it houses. That means that we also have to not judge ourselves when it comes to our bodies. It's a fearful thing, because we have so much thrown in our faces every day telling us what is beautiful and it's a standard the majority of us will never meet. It's fearful because we have to admit to ourselves that we are beautiful and that we deserve to be loved. Loving others is easy, loving yourself, and letting the love that surrounds you into your soul is the hard part.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

In this case, Humpty Dumpty is falling because the wall has come crumbling down. What is this wall? It's a self built wall full of so many emotions: Guilt, shame, remorse, fear, anger, pride, jealousy, greed, dishonesty, and so many others.

How did this wall come to be built? Because I wanted to be loved and accepted. And when I tried to be accepted by my peers, I let the barbs and daggers thrown my way hurt me. I tried so hard to be what I thought they all wanted me to be that when they rejected me, it hurt twofold. And so I created this wall and held on to each brick as a way to protect my heart. It's so cyclical, the want to be loved and accepted, but not being able to let others close because you don't want to be hurt. What I never realized is that all along love and acceptance was there, just waiting for me to acknowledge it.

The first lesson in A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever is acknowledging the wall exists and that you've built it so well that you can't tear it down alone. You are asked to go through a process in which you envision yourself walking with God up to the wall you've built and looking at each brick and the emotion written on it. As you see each brick, you ask God to take the hurt into his hands and help you to overcome it. As you do, God touches each brick and it crumbles. And the wall comes tumbling down as it did in Jericho so long ago.

It's still very scary though. The wall has been there for so very long. It's like when you dream you are standing in front of a crowd of friends, relatives, and peers and look down to realize you forgot to put on pants. The desire for me to let go of all this built up emotion doesn't come from a desire to be thin and fit into society's view of 'beautiful'. I want my heart to be beautiful. I want to not feel guilt and remorse because I turn to food to satisfy the place inside me that craves love. It comes from the desire to want to be happy and full of grace and life. It comes from wanting to face my demons so they no longer rule over me. I want to tear down that wall and allow myself to be filled by the love of God. I want to let myself love others freely, and realize that by letting others in, I lose nothing, even if I do get hurt.

I very strongly believe that we are never given more in our lives than we can handle. Every time we struggle or face a challenge, I believe that it's God's way of showing us that we are stronger than we think. It's also our opportunity to turn to God and place our hurt, pain, and hope in His hands.

I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my life. In fact, I'm so ashamed of some of them, that I will never even speak of them. What I didn't realize until this week, is that I can speak of them to God. Because He has seen them already, and He is still there, waiting for me to turn to Him and place my heart and my hurt in His hands.

Between this lesson and a conversation I had with a very dear friend this last weekend, I've spent the week  contemplating my past actions and words. I've finally started to let go of the shame, guilt, and remorse. And so I say to you, if I have ever hurt you in any way, I'm so very sorry. I hope you know that no matter how others treat you, you are loved by God.

It's time....

There is this great phenomena that has happened to me lately and it's such a great feeling that I tend to be in awe of it still.

For the past several years, I felt as if things weren't where they were meant to be in most aspects of my life. I've struggled with accepting who I am, what I am, and the things I've done. In the past few months, I've begun to notice how much things just seem 'right' in my life. For a long time I've been trying to put together the puzzle that is 'me' and I've been trying to force pieces in that don't belong. Some of those pieces were meant to fit elsewhere, and some were from another puzzle completely. I've worked long and hard to identify those that don't belong and search for those that do. And now it's as if the puzzle pieces are in place. I feel complete and whole.

There are many things that have led me to this place. And as I seek to re-establish this blog, I intend to explore those.

One of the major pieces that has fallen into place is my faith and spirituality. The community I have become a part of has shown me that it's OK to admit I have a personal relationship with God, to care about others, to care about myself, and to ask God and others for help when I need it. The Journey is full of wonderful supportive folks, and I'm very happy to have found them. I've also shared my struggles with depression and Compulsive Overeating with the women's Bible study group I attend. I found support and encouragement.

Sometimes we are led to things. A random last minute decision may lead to an event or experience that changes our lives. Such was the case for me last weekend. I wanted a new Bible to study from, so I went to Barnes and Noble. The first book that caught my eye in the clearance section is a book called 'A Course in Weight Loss, 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever' by Marianne Williamson. The premise is that you examine your conscious to search for negative emotions and fear you've held on to, and then you acknowledge them and place them in God's hand, asking him to help you overcome them. You replace your fears with love, and in so doing you remove the root causes that lead you to compulsive eating. There are 'workbook' type questions to meditate and contemplate on as well, so it's a very interactive book. I feel as if I was led to this book, as if I was meant to read it and understand it. As I work through the book, I'll be sharing my discoveries here.

It is not always easy being a Christian in our society, especially living in Madison which tends to be more liberal. I've always found it difficult to say out loud that I'm a Christian, because inevitably those who don't believe in God or Faith make it their mission to prove to me that I'm wrong because I can't empirically prove that God exists. They fail to understand that you can't tell me that my experiences with God in my life are not real. I was there, I've experienced them. I've felt God's hand, I've heard His voice. Christians often get such spiteful labels. We are 'Bible Thumpers', we are 'fanatics', we are 'Cheerleaders for Christ', we are 'ignorant and blind followers', we are 'sheep' and so much more. But as a Christian, I see so much goodness that comes from Faith. Just because what I believe isn't popular, doesn't mean it's wrong.

This past weekend, Pastor Steve spoke about following Jesus, and how it's very difficult. And he's right, it can be, especially with all the peer pressure we face because it isn't popular to do.

I consider myself a strong person. And I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm a very blessed person, and I know that when I'm quiet, and let myself be led by God, that I'm happy and it feels right.

So here's my resolution: I'm not hiding it. I speak to God, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe that God is alive in our lives if we choose to acknowledge Him. If that makes me an ignorant Bible Thumping Cheerleader for Christ, then I have only one thing to say:

 Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah... Goooooooo Christians!