Faith makes such a difference

I'm so very proud of myself this week for several reasons. I seem to have taken the last lesson to heart. (What if we could see ourselves....?) I have really started to appreciate all of me and not just parts. This week I've had several amazing things happen for me. First off, when I was at yoga the other night, I actually caught myself internally saying 'Thank you God for giving me the ability to be so mobile, and thank you to my body for being so willing to twist and contort and be strong for me'. I've started to replace so many negative thoughts with positive ones and it is truly making a difference.

Many years ago, I was given a miniature Gideon Bible. It contains the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I carry it in my purse and at times will take it out when I need some guidance or lifting up. What's really neat about this particular Bible is that it contains a directory of 'Where to look when you need help' at the beginning. You can pick from headings such as depressed, anxious, backsliding, etc and underneath are a few passages to read that may apply to the situation. Today I happened to pick one from the section for Faith and I ended up reading Mark 11:24-25:

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

In my times of weakness, when I find myself heading for the candy dish, or the donuts or cookies, I've been able to stop myself and ask for guidance to navigate through those moments where I am turning to food rather than what I really need. See, what I most often find when I binge eat is that truly it's because I feel lonely and unloved. Is it right to feel that way? Absolutely not. I have many people in my life who I know love and care for me. But that fear is there, and it's very real. I have felt that way most of my life. I've never fit in with the crowd, and I always hated that. I gave up or hid many parts of myself to try and conform. The more I hid my true character, the more I hurt when I still didn't fit in. I dressed how others thought I should, listened to the music others thought I should, and so much more. I even forgot my morals and ethics to appease a boss so I wouldn't be fired.

I think that was the final straw for me. I felt so lousy about having compromised my own moral and ethical values at the expense of others. I am thankfully out from under that pressure now. But looking back at it, I can see the correlation between that environment and the depression and binge eating I've gone through in the past years.

This is where Mark 11:24-25 comes into play for me. For many years I prayed to God to make me fit in, to make me thin. There were times as a young teenager that I would lay in bed at night crying and asking God why he would do this to me. I now realize that I did it to myself, and that God was always there for me. But I still need to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive myself. You see, I am the person I have been holding something against. I've not been able to let go of that and forgive myself. In the past week I've done a lot of discernment on this particular topic. I have spent time asking God to help me find insight and strength to let go of those things I don't need, such as my grudge against myself. And somehow in the midst of all this, I forgave myself. I can't pinpoint a moment it happened. I just suddenly realized that the lightness I've felt internally is free from the shadow of that guilt. What happened has happened, and I can't change it. I can only learn from it and move on, so that's what I intend to do. When I pray, I will ask for guidance and strength to continue on this journey. I know there will be times I stumble, but I also know that I can rely on the strength and insight God has given me to get me through any storm that crosses my path.

What if we could see ourselves as God sees us?

I've had 2 wonderful people in my life criticize how they look this week. When the words came out of their mouths, I thought 'Are you kidding me?! You are so beautiful! I wish I was that beautiful! I wish you could see that!'

And isn't that really how God sees us? He loves us for all of who we are, not just parts. In His eyes we are all beautiful. When God made man and woman, he simply made man and woman. He did not make 'Beautiful Sexy Eve' and 'Hot Studly Adam'. He made man and woman without any judgement on how they looked. How have we gotten so far away from that?

All my life, I've had images in front of me of what we think a woman should look like. I've even had guys I've dated tell me I should grow my hair out long because they like women with long hair. (For the record, I look MUCH better with short hair.) Everywhere I go each day I have images of scantily clad, perfectly tanned and toned women in my face telling me that I can only have fun and be like them if I look like them. I'm speaking from my experience as a woman, but I'm sure that many men experience this, too. How many ads to we see with men wearing only their underwear with glistening six packs and ripped biceps?

But if God made us in his image, why are we trying so hard to fit into someone else's image of what we/they think we should be?

There is a moment that occurred this week that I'm quite ashamed of. It really opened my eyes to how much we let our culture and society get ingrained into us. I went to yoga and a very large woman was in the class. I thought 'what is she doing here? she can't even sit cross legged?" And then I caught myself, and I was ashamed that I would think like that. It's not so long ago that I was that woman and I felt everyone was thinking things like that about me. And then I remembered how hard it was for me when I first started down my path to be healthy. I would go to the gym specifically at hours when I knew not many people were around. Every time I'd walk on the treadmill, I'd feel all this weight jiggling and to me it felt like a tidal wave for everyone to see. And I thought 'they're all thinking 'what is she doing here?' And I let myself do it to someone else.

And then I decided to try and see her how God would see her. I sat down beside her after class and started chatting while we were putting our shoes on. She was so sweet and nice and cheerful! She has a beautiful smile that is full of light, and I could tell that she was so proud of herself for making it to that class. She has a light shining in her, as do we all. But we can't see it unless we look past the obvious.

This may seem pretty standard to some. How many times have we been told not to judge a book by it's cover? And this is definitely something I plan to work on. I want to see people as God sees them, not as our culture does.

There's a caveat here, however. If we seek to see others as God sees them, then we must seek to see ourselves as God sees us. I envision myself standing before God and and I am not this physical body. I am not fat nor skinny, beautiful or ugly, tall or short. I just am. God does not judge how I've looked through my life, but what I've done and how I've treated others and myself. The physical body means so little compared to the spirit it houses. That means that we also have to not judge ourselves when it comes to our bodies. It's a fearful thing, because we have so much thrown in our faces every day telling us what is beautiful and it's a standard the majority of us will never meet. It's fearful because we have to admit to ourselves that we are beautiful and that we deserve to be loved. Loving others is easy, loving yourself, and letting the love that surrounds you into your soul is the hard part.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

In this case, Humpty Dumpty is falling because the wall has come crumbling down. What is this wall? It's a self built wall full of so many emotions: Guilt, shame, remorse, fear, anger, pride, jealousy, greed, dishonesty, and so many others.

How did this wall come to be built? Because I wanted to be loved and accepted. And when I tried to be accepted by my peers, I let the barbs and daggers thrown my way hurt me. I tried so hard to be what I thought they all wanted me to be that when they rejected me, it hurt twofold. And so I created this wall and held on to each brick as a way to protect my heart. It's so cyclical, the want to be loved and accepted, but not being able to let others close because you don't want to be hurt. What I never realized is that all along love and acceptance was there, just waiting for me to acknowledge it.

The first lesson in A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever is acknowledging the wall exists and that you've built it so well that you can't tear it down alone. You are asked to go through a process in which you envision yourself walking with God up to the wall you've built and looking at each brick and the emotion written on it. As you see each brick, you ask God to take the hurt into his hands and help you to overcome it. As you do, God touches each brick and it crumbles. And the wall comes tumbling down as it did in Jericho so long ago.

It's still very scary though. The wall has been there for so very long. It's like when you dream you are standing in front of a crowd of friends, relatives, and peers and look down to realize you forgot to put on pants. The desire for me to let go of all this built up emotion doesn't come from a desire to be thin and fit into society's view of 'beautiful'. I want my heart to be beautiful. I want to not feel guilt and remorse because I turn to food to satisfy the place inside me that craves love. It comes from the desire to want to be happy and full of grace and life. It comes from wanting to face my demons so they no longer rule over me. I want to tear down that wall and allow myself to be filled by the love of God. I want to let myself love others freely, and realize that by letting others in, I lose nothing, even if I do get hurt.

I very strongly believe that we are never given more in our lives than we can handle. Every time we struggle or face a challenge, I believe that it's God's way of showing us that we are stronger than we think. It's also our opportunity to turn to God and place our hurt, pain, and hope in His hands.

I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my life. In fact, I'm so ashamed of some of them, that I will never even speak of them. What I didn't realize until this week, is that I can speak of them to God. Because He has seen them already, and He is still there, waiting for me to turn to Him and place my heart and my hurt in His hands.

Between this lesson and a conversation I had with a very dear friend this last weekend, I've spent the week  contemplating my past actions and words. I've finally started to let go of the shame, guilt, and remorse. And so I say to you, if I have ever hurt you in any way, I'm so very sorry. I hope you know that no matter how others treat you, you are loved by God.

It's time....

There is this great phenomena that has happened to me lately and it's such a great feeling that I tend to be in awe of it still.

For the past several years, I felt as if things weren't where they were meant to be in most aspects of my life. I've struggled with accepting who I am, what I am, and the things I've done. In the past few months, I've begun to notice how much things just seem 'right' in my life. For a long time I've been trying to put together the puzzle that is 'me' and I've been trying to force pieces in that don't belong. Some of those pieces were meant to fit elsewhere, and some were from another puzzle completely. I've worked long and hard to identify those that don't belong and search for those that do. And now it's as if the puzzle pieces are in place. I feel complete and whole.

There are many things that have led me to this place. And as I seek to re-establish this blog, I intend to explore those.

One of the major pieces that has fallen into place is my faith and spirituality. The community I have become a part of has shown me that it's OK to admit I have a personal relationship with God, to care about others, to care about myself, and to ask God and others for help when I need it. The Journey is full of wonderful supportive folks, and I'm very happy to have found them. I've also shared my struggles with depression and Compulsive Overeating with the women's Bible study group I attend. I found support and encouragement.

Sometimes we are led to things. A random last minute decision may lead to an event or experience that changes our lives. Such was the case for me last weekend. I wanted a new Bible to study from, so I went to Barnes and Noble. The first book that caught my eye in the clearance section is a book called 'A Course in Weight Loss, 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever' by Marianne Williamson. The premise is that you examine your conscious to search for negative emotions and fear you've held on to, and then you acknowledge them and place them in God's hand, asking him to help you overcome them. You replace your fears with love, and in so doing you remove the root causes that lead you to compulsive eating. There are 'workbook' type questions to meditate and contemplate on as well, so it's a very interactive book. I feel as if I was led to this book, as if I was meant to read it and understand it. As I work through the book, I'll be sharing my discoveries here.

It is not always easy being a Christian in our society, especially living in Madison which tends to be more liberal. I've always found it difficult to say out loud that I'm a Christian, because inevitably those who don't believe in God or Faith make it their mission to prove to me that I'm wrong because I can't empirically prove that God exists. They fail to understand that you can't tell me that my experiences with God in my life are not real. I was there, I've experienced them. I've felt God's hand, I've heard His voice. Christians often get such spiteful labels. We are 'Bible Thumpers', we are 'fanatics', we are 'Cheerleaders for Christ', we are 'ignorant and blind followers', we are 'sheep' and so much more. But as a Christian, I see so much goodness that comes from Faith. Just because what I believe isn't popular, doesn't mean it's wrong.

This past weekend, Pastor Steve spoke about following Jesus, and how it's very difficult. And he's right, it can be, especially with all the peer pressure we face because it isn't popular to do.

I consider myself a strong person. And I have a LOT to be thankful for. I'm a very blessed person, and I know that when I'm quiet, and let myself be led by God, that I'm happy and it feels right.

So here's my resolution: I'm not hiding it. I speak to God, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe that God is alive in our lives if we choose to acknowledge Him. If that makes me an ignorant Bible Thumping Cheerleader for Christ, then I have only one thing to say:

 Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah... Goooooooo Christians!