Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

In this case, Humpty Dumpty is falling because the wall has come crumbling down. What is this wall? It's a self built wall full of so many emotions: Guilt, shame, remorse, fear, anger, pride, jealousy, greed, dishonesty, and so many others.

How did this wall come to be built? Because I wanted to be loved and accepted. And when I tried to be accepted by my peers, I let the barbs and daggers thrown my way hurt me. I tried so hard to be what I thought they all wanted me to be that when they rejected me, it hurt twofold. And so I created this wall and held on to each brick as a way to protect my heart. It's so cyclical, the want to be loved and accepted, but not being able to let others close because you don't want to be hurt. What I never realized is that all along love and acceptance was there, just waiting for me to acknowledge it.

The first lesson in A Course in Weightloss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering your Weight Forever is acknowledging the wall exists and that you've built it so well that you can't tear it down alone. You are asked to go through a process in which you envision yourself walking with God up to the wall you've built and looking at each brick and the emotion written on it. As you see each brick, you ask God to take the hurt into his hands and help you to overcome it. As you do, God touches each brick and it crumbles. And the wall comes tumbling down as it did in Jericho so long ago.

It's still very scary though. The wall has been there for so very long. It's like when you dream you are standing in front of a crowd of friends, relatives, and peers and look down to realize you forgot to put on pants. The desire for me to let go of all this built up emotion doesn't come from a desire to be thin and fit into society's view of 'beautiful'. I want my heart to be beautiful. I want to not feel guilt and remorse because I turn to food to satisfy the place inside me that craves love. It comes from the desire to want to be happy and full of grace and life. It comes from wanting to face my demons so they no longer rule over me. I want to tear down that wall and allow myself to be filled by the love of God. I want to let myself love others freely, and realize that by letting others in, I lose nothing, even if I do get hurt.

I very strongly believe that we are never given more in our lives than we can handle. Every time we struggle or face a challenge, I believe that it's God's way of showing us that we are stronger than we think. It's also our opportunity to turn to God and place our hurt, pain, and hope in His hands.

I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my life. In fact, I'm so ashamed of some of them, that I will never even speak of them. What I didn't realize until this week, is that I can speak of them to God. Because He has seen them already, and He is still there, waiting for me to turn to Him and place my heart and my hurt in His hands.

Between this lesson and a conversation I had with a very dear friend this last weekend, I've spent the week  contemplating my past actions and words. I've finally started to let go of the shame, guilt, and remorse. And so I say to you, if I have ever hurt you in any way, I'm so very sorry. I hope you know that no matter how others treat you, you are loved by God.