Tomorrow night I'll be doing something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I'm returning to my Alma Mater as an alumni to sing in the annual Musical Menus.
I love singing. I always have. In fact, my mom likes to tell me that when I was very little, I would turn around to listen to the woman behind us singing in church. And I'd hum along to the recessional music and sometimes make up my own words. I remember when I was only about 4 or 5 that I was scared to go upstairs to the bathroom by myself. But I bravely went, and sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star while I sat there to keep me calm. Music has always been such an instrumental (pun intended) part of my life.
I was so happy to have found a spot with the Madison Opera Chorus when I moved to Madison 6 years ago. I have thoroughly enjoyed singing in so many productions with them. There is nothing like being on stage, singing for all the world to see. It was a hard decision to make to take a break for awhile until I finish Grad School.
In fact, so many of my memories are tied to music. Some are very happy, and some are very sad. Moments spent backstage with many a cast mate laughing and talking and creating new 'inside' jokes, weddings, recitals, or just for fun with a group of friends.
This weekend is quite special to me for a few reasons. First, I haven't had much chance to get back to my Alma Mater, much less get a chance to show how much I've grown and learned from the knowledge and skill I gained as an undergrad student. Second, I have not sang solo in front of a group of people in years! It's such a nerve-racking, adrenaline pumping experience. And although I feel a bit rusty, the nerves can't tamp down the excitement building up for me. And last but not least are the people I get to share this experience with. My parents and Granmma will be in attendance on Saturday night. They haven't heard me sing since I sang Ave Maria at my Grampa's funeral a few years ago. While I was at Clarke as a student, Gramma and Grampa came to many of my performances, including Musical Menus, and they were always so proud. And I get to share my talent with a few friends who have NEVER heard me sing! I'm excited to show these 2 important people in my life what I am capable of. (And I'll also need their support getting through the nerves of the evening.)
This all brings back so many memories of concerts and recitals at Clarke. It's funny, but although I feel almost the same now as I did back then the night before a concert, I know that I'll get through it and be fine. So what if I keep messing up the lyrics to Mon Couer... who's going to notice but me?
I'm going to tap into that strength and skill I have inside and let go. I'm going to trust that I'll remember what I need to remember, and most importantly, I'll have fun.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Spring is in the air...
This is crazy! It's mid March in Wisconsin and I'm pulling out the sundresses and flip flops.
But there are so many things about Spring I enjoy that it's hard not to get excited. Spring is such a wonderful time of year. Everything seems so fresh and new. The sun always seems a little bit more glorious in Spring. Here it is, 6:30am, and I can hear the birds out chirping already. And even though it's still dark out, I know that in a very short amount of time, the sun will be out this early in the morning. Those are my favorite mornings: the slight chill of the morning that settles on your skin, the warmth of the sun as it caresses your skin, sitting on the porch with a glass of iced coffee or chai tea, enjoying the quiet.
Those are the moments I feel closest to creation. I revel in those moments. I love the peacefulness of the morning. After a bit you can see the world start to awaken. Lights go on in the apartments buildings, a few cars driving past, early morning exercise enthusiasts with the steady rhythm of feet hitting sidewalk.
How wonderful it is to realize that Spring is always so full of hope and promise. And as much as I really do not like snow and cold, I don't know if I could ever thrive in a place where the seasons don't change. See, it's very easy to be thankful and full of praise for God on days like this. But it's so very much more difficult during the dreary, dark days of Winter. But there's something about the anticipation of the coming Spring, of being able to watch the world bloom and bud and come into life, that makes the droll Winter days worth it.
And when you stop and think about it, it's a great metaphor for many things: personal awakenings, physical awakenings, and spiritual awakenings.
For so many years I lived spiritually in Winter. But, I never really gave up. Even though I felt my faith in God was disconnected, I didn't stop believing he existed. I think, deep down, I had hope that one day MY Spring would come. Just as the grass and flowers lay dormant under the snow, it's not dead, it's there, just waiting for the right time to spring forward. And, just like the Spring we see outside our windows now, so many things have to be in alignment before Spring can happen.
So many threads have come together in a Spiritual awakening. It feels as if the green grass and flowers in my heart that were laying dormant are blooming and bursting forth. And it makes me immeasurably happy to know that God believed in me the whole time. He planted seeds within my soul that, at the right time, spring forth into blossom and bloom. And for that, I am ever thankful.
God Bless you all! I hope you take the time to enjoy the wonderful world that's been given to us!
But there are so many things about Spring I enjoy that it's hard not to get excited. Spring is such a wonderful time of year. Everything seems so fresh and new. The sun always seems a little bit more glorious in Spring. Here it is, 6:30am, and I can hear the birds out chirping already. And even though it's still dark out, I know that in a very short amount of time, the sun will be out this early in the morning. Those are my favorite mornings: the slight chill of the morning that settles on your skin, the warmth of the sun as it caresses your skin, sitting on the porch with a glass of iced coffee or chai tea, enjoying the quiet.
Those are the moments I feel closest to creation. I revel in those moments. I love the peacefulness of the morning. After a bit you can see the world start to awaken. Lights go on in the apartments buildings, a few cars driving past, early morning exercise enthusiasts with the steady rhythm of feet hitting sidewalk.
How wonderful it is to realize that Spring is always so full of hope and promise. And as much as I really do not like snow and cold, I don't know if I could ever thrive in a place where the seasons don't change. See, it's very easy to be thankful and full of praise for God on days like this. But it's so very much more difficult during the dreary, dark days of Winter. But there's something about the anticipation of the coming Spring, of being able to watch the world bloom and bud and come into life, that makes the droll Winter days worth it.
And when you stop and think about it, it's a great metaphor for many things: personal awakenings, physical awakenings, and spiritual awakenings.
For so many years I lived spiritually in Winter. But, I never really gave up. Even though I felt my faith in God was disconnected, I didn't stop believing he existed. I think, deep down, I had hope that one day MY Spring would come. Just as the grass and flowers lay dormant under the snow, it's not dead, it's there, just waiting for the right time to spring forward. And, just like the Spring we see outside our windows now, so many things have to be in alignment before Spring can happen.
So many threads have come together in a Spiritual awakening. It feels as if the green grass and flowers in my heart that were laying dormant are blooming and bursting forth. And it makes me immeasurably happy to know that God believed in me the whole time. He planted seeds within my soul that, at the right time, spring forth into blossom and bloom. And for that, I am ever thankful.
God Bless you all! I hope you take the time to enjoy the wonderful world that's been given to us!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
We don't really 'give' love to others
I really don't like the phrase 'I'm giving all my love to you' or 'I'm giving you all my love' and such variations.
I promise you I'm not a bitter cynic. I do believe in love and loving others. My problem is with the word 'give'. Here's why, the definition of 'give' is to Freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone); hand over to: "they gave her water".
Using the word 'give' implies that you are also losing something. If you give something away, you no longer have it. That's not true. We never really give someone the love that we have, because that would mean we no longer have that love.
Our capacity to love others is endless. When we share that love with others, they are also showing us how to love just as we show them, and our capacity for love expands beyond the limits we have set for ourselves.
So how did I come to this realization? Like many young women in our society, I've been through several failed romantic relationships. The first few times after they ended I felt like I had lost something. I felt like there was an emptiness inside me. I guarded my heart thereafter. I was so afraid of feeling that bitter emptiness again.
But then things started to change. And I can pinpoint the pivotal moment of that change. My grandfather passed away a few years ago the week before Easter. This was my first real experience with dealing with the grieving process of a loved one. When I got that phone call at 5am from my mom, a million memories came flooding back. I had known this man my entire life, and I had loved him. I felt an emptiness and a hollowness more barren than I ever had.
I was always the type of person who held my emotions in check. I am the rock, the one that others lean on in time of grief. I didn't know how to lean on others. So I turned to my faith. I spent at least an hour in church every day of Holy Week, praying and listening. And I realized that at some point, that emptiness was filled with a calm peace. At some point during the week I gave up the wall of protection I had built and truly let myself be filled with faith and hope. I knew then that I had not lost any love, instead, I had learned how to love even more. My Grandfather, through the very nature of being my Grandfather, had influenced my capacity to love my entire life. I missed him not because I lost any of the love I had for him, but because I respected how much he had taught me about love. The lessons learned were never taught as if in a classroom. They were the way he'd put ketchup in your cup of milk and chuckle when you finally realized it, or teach us as children to pound on the table after dinner and demand ice cream, or the many stories he'd tell us about his horse named Trigger who had a machine gun under his tail.
There is nothing in the world like the feeling of a heart full of love. There is always something or someone to love: a beautiful sunset over a bay, a nephew's smile, a warm hug from a friend, a voice full of warmth on the other end of the phone, a check in phone call from a family member, the knowledge that even in death, we are not separated from the love we have for those loved ones who have passed along, and so many more.
But even more than this is the love we receive from God. I was reminded of this during my weekend getaway. I saw the most beautiful example of God's love for us. A gorgeous sunset over a shimmering lake. It touched me so deeply. And I called to mind Luke 12:27-28
I promise you I'm not a bitter cynic. I do believe in love and loving others. My problem is with the word 'give'. Here's why, the definition of 'give' is to Freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone); hand over to: "they gave her water".
Using the word 'give' implies that you are also losing something. If you give something away, you no longer have it. That's not true. We never really give someone the love that we have, because that would mean we no longer have that love.
Our capacity to love others is endless. When we share that love with others, they are also showing us how to love just as we show them, and our capacity for love expands beyond the limits we have set for ourselves.
So how did I come to this realization? Like many young women in our society, I've been through several failed romantic relationships. The first few times after they ended I felt like I had lost something. I felt like there was an emptiness inside me. I guarded my heart thereafter. I was so afraid of feeling that bitter emptiness again.
But then things started to change. And I can pinpoint the pivotal moment of that change. My grandfather passed away a few years ago the week before Easter. This was my first real experience with dealing with the grieving process of a loved one. When I got that phone call at 5am from my mom, a million memories came flooding back. I had known this man my entire life, and I had loved him. I felt an emptiness and a hollowness more barren than I ever had.
I was always the type of person who held my emotions in check. I am the rock, the one that others lean on in time of grief. I didn't know how to lean on others. So I turned to my faith. I spent at least an hour in church every day of Holy Week, praying and listening. And I realized that at some point, that emptiness was filled with a calm peace. At some point during the week I gave up the wall of protection I had built and truly let myself be filled with faith and hope. I knew then that I had not lost any love, instead, I had learned how to love even more. My Grandfather, through the very nature of being my Grandfather, had influenced my capacity to love my entire life. I missed him not because I lost any of the love I had for him, but because I respected how much he had taught me about love. The lessons learned were never taught as if in a classroom. They were the way he'd put ketchup in your cup of milk and chuckle when you finally realized it, or teach us as children to pound on the table after dinner and demand ice cream, or the many stories he'd tell us about his horse named Trigger who had a machine gun under his tail.
There is nothing in the world like the feeling of a heart full of love. There is always something or someone to love: a beautiful sunset over a bay, a nephew's smile, a warm hug from a friend, a voice full of warmth on the other end of the phone, a check in phone call from a family member, the knowledge that even in death, we are not separated from the love we have for those loved ones who have passed along, and so many more.
But even more than this is the love we receive from God. I was reminded of this during my weekend getaway. I saw the most beautiful example of God's love for us. A gorgeous sunset over a shimmering lake. It touched me so deeply. And I called to mind Luke 12:27-28
'Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you - you of little faith!'God had made that beautiful vision of a sunset, and it was so beautiful that my heart ached. And then I remembered that God puts more love into me than he does into that sunset which is here and then gone in moments. Wow. No matter how much I love others, I can never love others as much as God loves his children. But I can try to come close.
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