Today was, in a word, refreshing. Nothing big happened, nothing that is out of the norm for a Monday.
Except, for whatever reason, I have the energy of the 'me' I missed. This is the 'me' that gets up early and gets a good workout in, who has her lunch packed and ready to go, who gets to work BEFORE 8am, and who is focused and productive all day.
When depression hits, that 'me' goes away. I can barely get out of bed, can't focus, and am continuously late. I come home from work listless and tired, and do nothing all night other than lay on the couch.
I don't know if it's the Vitamin D supplements or what. It shouldn't be that the new medication is affecting me just yet, as it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels.Or it could just be an upswing that is naturally trying to balance out the low I was in all last week.
Whatever the reason, the old 'me' reappeared today. And it felt lovely. It felt great to smile, to focus on a task, to spend an actual 8 hours doing actual work, instead of zoning out like I have been. I feel so accomplished today! I tackled a project that is a level above me, but that I was given because of my 'go getter' attitude. I re-vamped my test case to be more streamlined and comprehensive, and I'm really proud of that! It was a LOT of tedious work in Excel, and after awhile your eyes can go batty from staring at spreadsheets for too long.
This is the real Christine. And dang if I didn't miss her!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Why I don't mind admitting I have a problem...
It's hard to open up and talk about the really scary things going through your head with someone who isn't one of your best friends. It's hard when it's a doctor...
It's even harder when it's a doctor you've never seen before. My Primary Doctor is no longer practicing family medicine. Instead she now is 100% allocated to the Weight Management clinic.
So I got to see Dr. Porter at Dean West yesterday. It was hard having to fill out that little depression survey and answer 'most days' to the 'thoughts of hurting yourself' question. It was even harder talking about how scared I am with someone I've never met.
Luckily, she's a good doctor. She was very kind, compassionate, and understanding.
After talking for awhile, she confirmed that this onset is probably a seasonal thing. While the medication I was on helped last winter when I started it, and kept me level and stable through the summer, now that the days are shorter and the sun is out less that medication is not helping quite as much. So we discussed a few different things: Light therapy (not covered by insurance) was one. Light boxes cost from about $70 - $300 depending on what you get. She also recommended Vitamin D supplements, and of course, an additional medication. The good news is, the medication she put me on has a history of working very well in tandem with the other one I'm on.
The bad news is, it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in the body, during which time there may be an increase in thoughts of self harm and suicide. Great.
I think I'll be fine. I've got enough people keeping an eye on me. (Again, to my 4 Knights in Shining Armor...Thanks). Having Romeow around helps. He's so loving and we usually spend at least an hour a night laying on the couch together cuddling. I also know I can go hang out with the Rush's and hold baby Eli, because babies are ALWAYS adorable and you can't help but smile when you hold them...as long as their asleep or in a good mood.
I'm really proud of myself for seeing the symptoms of the onset of depression and getting in to see someone right away. I'll also be going back to therapy. At least through the winter to get through this. It's not easy to own up to. especially when you are so used to taking care of yourself.
I don't mind admitting I have a problem, even if it's one that is embarrassing. But I also know it's one I can't control. I cannot control the level of different chemicals in my body, and I can't control the thoughts and feelings that come from it. I'm OK admitting I need some help. And I'm really glad I went as soon as I figured it out. I cannot have a repeat of last year, and I really want to enjoy my fall and winter as much as I can.
It's even harder when it's a doctor you've never seen before. My Primary Doctor is no longer practicing family medicine. Instead she now is 100% allocated to the Weight Management clinic.
So I got to see Dr. Porter at Dean West yesterday. It was hard having to fill out that little depression survey and answer 'most days' to the 'thoughts of hurting yourself' question. It was even harder talking about how scared I am with someone I've never met.
Luckily, she's a good doctor. She was very kind, compassionate, and understanding.
After talking for awhile, she confirmed that this onset is probably a seasonal thing. While the medication I was on helped last winter when I started it, and kept me level and stable through the summer, now that the days are shorter and the sun is out less that medication is not helping quite as much. So we discussed a few different things: Light therapy (not covered by insurance) was one. Light boxes cost from about $70 - $300 depending on what you get. She also recommended Vitamin D supplements, and of course, an additional medication. The good news is, the medication she put me on has a history of working very well in tandem with the other one I'm on.
The bad news is, it takes 2 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in the body, during which time there may be an increase in thoughts of self harm and suicide. Great.
I think I'll be fine. I've got enough people keeping an eye on me. (Again, to my 4 Knights in Shining Armor...Thanks). Having Romeow around helps. He's so loving and we usually spend at least an hour a night laying on the couch together cuddling. I also know I can go hang out with the Rush's and hold baby Eli, because babies are ALWAYS adorable and you can't help but smile when you hold them...as long as their asleep or in a good mood.
I'm really proud of myself for seeing the symptoms of the onset of depression and getting in to see someone right away. I'll also be going back to therapy. At least through the winter to get through this. It's not easy to own up to. especially when you are so used to taking care of yourself.
I don't mind admitting I have a problem, even if it's one that is embarrassing. But I also know it's one I can't control. I cannot control the level of different chemicals in my body, and I can't control the thoughts and feelings that come from it. I'm OK admitting I need some help. And I'm really glad I went as soon as I figured it out. I cannot have a repeat of last year, and I really want to enjoy my fall and winter as much as I can.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Why I love when my friends prove me wrong
Not going to lie. This past week has been rough.
There's nothing spectacular happening, no big event to trigger it all.
And that was my first hint that something just isn't right.
When I started blogging, I said I would be honest about everything, the eating disorder, the depression, binges...everything. It may be hard for some people, the people who do truly love me and care about me, to read this. But I can't censor what is going on and water it down.
The truth is, I had some very scary thoughts this past week. I don't know why. I don't know how this triggered, or what happened. I haven't been working out much lately, and I haven't been making great eating choices either. That's another sign.
Last Saturday, I went for a run. My running time is when I decompress. I hadn't ran in awhile, and pretty much haven't decompressed in the same amount of time.
It hit me hard. Physically, I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. I lost my breath, and my heart ached. Mentally, it was like a dam burst. There wasn't any one particular thing that came through, but none of it was good. Just a whole lot of sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion. I did something I rarely do outside the confines of my home, or therapy appointment. I burst into tears. I had to walk, sobbing, back to my car.
Typically, this would be the perfect set up for a binge. But since I'm so conscious and aware of the triggers for a binge, I won't let myself give in. But here's the thing: the release may have been circumvented, but the urge to do something wreckless, violent, and self damaging did not. In fact, it was stronger than it's ever been.
And that scared me. A lot.
I'm not a violent person, at all. So having the urge to throw something at the wall, or to break something, or to punch something was quite frightening to me. Much more so the other thoughts that passed through my mind.
How do you deal with it when the person you're afraid of is yourself?
Part of all of this feeling is the feeling and thought that no one cares about you. If you were to be gone, to disappear, no one would care, and no one would notice.
I turned off my phone for 3 days. I didn't check my email. I didn't go on Facebook or other networking sites. I got up, I went to work, I came home.
It hit me about midday Monday that this is not right. Something is not right. So I called my Doctor and I'm going in tomorrow.
As I think through it, I've been going in a downward spiral for quite a few weeks. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I get lethargic and muddle brained in the afternoon, and when I get home I'm exhausted.
Ding ding ding!!! Lightbulb went off. This is how the bad depression I went through last year started.
I do not want to go through that again. Last fall and winter were so hard. I don't want to be in that place again.
So, I'm hoping that I can go to my (new) primary doctor tomorrow and get something figured out. Cross your fingers.
Oh, and as for my friends proving me wrong? There are 3 who reached out to me when I was at my worst. All three of them felt something was going on, and, each in their own way, sent support my way.
And for that, I'm extremely grateful.
There's nothing spectacular happening, no big event to trigger it all.
And that was my first hint that something just isn't right.
When I started blogging, I said I would be honest about everything, the eating disorder, the depression, binges...everything. It may be hard for some people, the people who do truly love me and care about me, to read this. But I can't censor what is going on and water it down.
The truth is, I had some very scary thoughts this past week. I don't know why. I don't know how this triggered, or what happened. I haven't been working out much lately, and I haven't been making great eating choices either. That's another sign.
Last Saturday, I went for a run. My running time is when I decompress. I hadn't ran in awhile, and pretty much haven't decompressed in the same amount of time.
It hit me hard. Physically, I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. I lost my breath, and my heart ached. Mentally, it was like a dam burst. There wasn't any one particular thing that came through, but none of it was good. Just a whole lot of sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion. I did something I rarely do outside the confines of my home, or therapy appointment. I burst into tears. I had to walk, sobbing, back to my car.
Typically, this would be the perfect set up for a binge. But since I'm so conscious and aware of the triggers for a binge, I won't let myself give in. But here's the thing: the release may have been circumvented, but the urge to do something wreckless, violent, and self damaging did not. In fact, it was stronger than it's ever been.
And that scared me. A lot.
I'm not a violent person, at all. So having the urge to throw something at the wall, or to break something, or to punch something was quite frightening to me. Much more so the other thoughts that passed through my mind.
How do you deal with it when the person you're afraid of is yourself?
Part of all of this feeling is the feeling and thought that no one cares about you. If you were to be gone, to disappear, no one would care, and no one would notice.
I turned off my phone for 3 days. I didn't check my email. I didn't go on Facebook or other networking sites. I got up, I went to work, I came home.
It hit me about midday Monday that this is not right. Something is not right. So I called my Doctor and I'm going in tomorrow.
As I think through it, I've been going in a downward spiral for quite a few weeks. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I get lethargic and muddle brained in the afternoon, and when I get home I'm exhausted.
Ding ding ding!!! Lightbulb went off. This is how the bad depression I went through last year started.
I do not want to go through that again. Last fall and winter were so hard. I don't want to be in that place again.
So, I'm hoping that I can go to my (new) primary doctor tomorrow and get something figured out. Cross your fingers.
Oh, and as for my friends proving me wrong? There are 3 who reached out to me when I was at my worst. All three of them felt something was going on, and, each in their own way, sent support my way.
And for that, I'm extremely grateful.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Why being able to compartmentalize can become dangerous and destructive
I'm damn good at compartmentalizing things. I think it's how I cope with being able to do so many things at once. If something pops up and I'm in the middle of something else, I can 'file it away' in a mental filing cabinet to deal with later. This is a very useful tactic for remaining focused on the task at hand.
The pitfall of this is that sometimes I forget there are things I've filed away and need to process and deal with. These are things that are generally more emotional in nature. And then the drawer just bursts open at some random time and everything else in my world just stops as I try to clean up the mess.
I didn't realize I'd been holding back some pretty deep and strong emotional things lately. I know I had made a conscious decision at some point to file this away to deal with when the time was right, but I didn't realize that my brain went on autopilot after that and kept adding to that file. It's like a virus, it lays in wait, quietly attacking and causing damage and is only discovered when it messes stuff up. And the only thing you can do is let it run it's course. I went for a run in the conservancy yesterday. It's the first time in a long time I'd gone for a run there. About 3/4 of the way through my run, all this pent up emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. And I just lost it right there. And I'm still reeling from it.
Looking back at the past few months, I can see some of the signs were there, only I wasn't really paying attention. My eating choices have become more on the poor side lately and my will to workout has fallen to the sidelines. These are usually warning signs for me. I only started recognizing them late this past week. And since running is my time to clear my mind, I think my brain finally put things together for me. I've been binging and reverting to old, comforting habits because I am emotionally stressed. And it all just came up like emotional vomit.
I'm scared. It was at this time last year that these behaviors started to become prevalent and it finally led to me breaking down in my therapists office and being diagnosed with depression. For some reason, even though its my favorite season of the year, Fall and Winter trigger these emotions and behaviors. The medication helped, but because of the therapeutic lag in efficacy, I ended up not feeling better until February. Last Fall and Winter were very very hard on me. It still hurts to even think of how I felt. And I so desperately do not want to experience that again. But I'm very scared that is the path I'm headed down. I'm finding myself stuck in that same mindset: No one cares, everyone has their own burdens and worries and don't want to hear about yours, I don't want to be around people, and yet feel so lonely, what's the point of doing anything productive, or being social, it all just leads to disappointment anyhow.
I'm sure this revelation will come as a surprise to so many people I interact with regularly. I saw an interesting comment today: People think Depression looks like this:
The pitfall of this is that sometimes I forget there are things I've filed away and need to process and deal with. These are things that are generally more emotional in nature. And then the drawer just bursts open at some random time and everything else in my world just stops as I try to clean up the mess.
I didn't realize I'd been holding back some pretty deep and strong emotional things lately. I know I had made a conscious decision at some point to file this away to deal with when the time was right, but I didn't realize that my brain went on autopilot after that and kept adding to that file. It's like a virus, it lays in wait, quietly attacking and causing damage and is only discovered when it messes stuff up. And the only thing you can do is let it run it's course. I went for a run in the conservancy yesterday. It's the first time in a long time I'd gone for a run there. About 3/4 of the way through my run, all this pent up emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. And I just lost it right there. And I'm still reeling from it.
Looking back at the past few months, I can see some of the signs were there, only I wasn't really paying attention. My eating choices have become more on the poor side lately and my will to workout has fallen to the sidelines. These are usually warning signs for me. I only started recognizing them late this past week. And since running is my time to clear my mind, I think my brain finally put things together for me. I've been binging and reverting to old, comforting habits because I am emotionally stressed. And it all just came up like emotional vomit.
I'm scared. It was at this time last year that these behaviors started to become prevalent and it finally led to me breaking down in my therapists office and being diagnosed with depression. For some reason, even though its my favorite season of the year, Fall and Winter trigger these emotions and behaviors. The medication helped, but because of the therapeutic lag in efficacy, I ended up not feeling better until February. Last Fall and Winter were very very hard on me. It still hurts to even think of how I felt. And I so desperately do not want to experience that again. But I'm very scared that is the path I'm headed down. I'm finding myself stuck in that same mindset: No one cares, everyone has their own burdens and worries and don't want to hear about yours, I don't want to be around people, and yet feel so lonely, what's the point of doing anything productive, or being social, it all just leads to disappointment anyhow.
I'm sure this revelation will come as a surprise to so many people I interact with regularly. I saw an interesting comment today: People think Depression looks like this:
When the truth is, the public face of depression looks like this:
Put on a smile and get by so no one realizes how much you are hurting inside.
It's hard to not put the smile on and get by when you feel no one can understand.
I'm so scared and worried and stressed right now. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to feel this way again.
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