Not going to lie. This past week has been rough.
There's nothing spectacular happening, no big event to trigger it all.
And that was my first hint that something just isn't right.
When I started blogging, I said I would be honest about everything, the eating disorder, the depression, binges...everything. It may be hard for some people, the people who do truly love me and care about me, to read this. But I can't censor what is going on and water it down.
The truth is, I had some very scary thoughts this past week. I don't know why. I don't know how this triggered, or what happened. I haven't been working out much lately, and I haven't been making great eating choices either. That's another sign.
Last Saturday, I went for a run. My running time is when I decompress. I hadn't ran in awhile, and pretty much haven't decompressed in the same amount of time.
It hit me hard. Physically, I felt like I'd been punched in the chest. I lost my breath, and my heart ached. Mentally, it was like a dam burst. There wasn't any one particular thing that came through, but none of it was good. Just a whole lot of sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion. I did something I rarely do outside the confines of my home, or therapy appointment. I burst into tears. I had to walk, sobbing, back to my car.
Typically, this would be the perfect set up for a binge. But since I'm so conscious and aware of the triggers for a binge, I won't let myself give in. But here's the thing: the release may have been circumvented, but the urge to do something wreckless, violent, and self damaging did not. In fact, it was stronger than it's ever been.
And that scared me. A lot.
I'm not a violent person, at all. So having the urge to throw something at the wall, or to break something, or to punch something was quite frightening to me. Much more so the other thoughts that passed through my mind.
How do you deal with it when the person you're afraid of is yourself?
Part of all of this feeling is the feeling and thought that no one cares about you. If you were to be gone, to disappear, no one would care, and no one would notice.
I turned off my phone for 3 days. I didn't check my email. I didn't go on Facebook or other networking sites. I got up, I went to work, I came home.
It hit me about midday Monday that this is not right. Something is not right. So I called my Doctor and I'm going in tomorrow.
As I think through it, I've been going in a downward spiral for quite a few weeks. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I get lethargic and muddle brained in the afternoon, and when I get home I'm exhausted.
Ding ding ding!!! Lightbulb went off. This is how the bad depression I went through last year started.
I do not want to go through that again. Last fall and winter were so hard. I don't want to be in that place again.
So, I'm hoping that I can go to my (new) primary doctor tomorrow and get something figured out. Cross your fingers.
Oh, and as for my friends proving me wrong? There are 3 who reached out to me when I was at my worst. All three of them felt something was going on, and, each in their own way, sent support my way.
And for that, I'm extremely grateful.
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