I promise you I'm not a bitter cynic. I do believe in love and loving others. My problem is with the word 'give'. Here's why, the definition of 'give' is to Freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone); hand over to: "they gave her water".
Using the word 'give' implies that you are also losing something. If you give something away, you no longer have it. That's not true. We never really give someone the love that we have, because that would mean we no longer have that love.
Our capacity to love others is endless. When we share that love with others, they are also showing us how to love just as we show them, and our capacity for love expands beyond the limits we have set for ourselves.
So how did I come to this realization? Like many young women in our society, I've been through several failed romantic relationships. The first few times after they ended I felt like I had lost something. I felt like there was an emptiness inside me. I guarded my heart thereafter. I was so afraid of feeling that bitter emptiness again.
But then things started to change. And I can pinpoint the pivotal moment of that change. My grandfather passed away a few years ago the week before Easter. This was my first real experience with dealing with the grieving process of a loved one. When I got that phone call at 5am from my mom, a million memories came flooding back. I had known this man my entire life, and I had loved him. I felt an emptiness and a hollowness more barren than I ever had.
I was always the type of person who held my emotions in check. I am the rock, the one that others lean on in time of grief. I didn't know how to lean on others. So I turned to my faith. I spent at least an hour in church every day of Holy Week, praying and listening. And I realized that at some point, that emptiness was filled with a calm peace. At some point during the week I gave up the wall of protection I had built and truly let myself be filled with faith and hope. I knew then that I had not lost any love, instead, I had learned how to love even more. My Grandfather, through the very nature of being my Grandfather, had influenced my capacity to love my entire life. I missed him not because I lost any of the love I had for him, but because I respected how much he had taught me about love. The lessons learned were never taught as if in a classroom. They were the way he'd put ketchup in your cup of milk and chuckle when you finally realized it, or teach us as children to pound on the table after dinner and demand ice cream, or the many stories he'd tell us about his horse named Trigger who had a machine gun under his tail.
There is nothing in the world like the feeling of a heart full of love. There is always something or someone to love: a beautiful sunset over a bay, a nephew's smile, a warm hug from a friend, a voice full of warmth on the other end of the phone, a check in phone call from a family member, the knowledge that even in death, we are not separated from the love we have for those loved ones who have passed along, and so many more.
But even more than this is the love we receive from God. I was reminded of this during my weekend getaway. I saw the most beautiful example of God's love for us. A gorgeous sunset over a shimmering lake. It touched me so deeply. And I called to mind Luke 12:27-28
'Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you - you of little faith!'God had made that beautiful vision of a sunset, and it was so beautiful that my heart ached. And then I remembered that God puts more love into me than he does into that sunset which is here and then gone in moments. Wow. No matter how much I love others, I can never love others as much as God loves his children. But I can try to come close.
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