My greatest fear

I'm a firm believer that God gives you what you need, when you need it. Sometimes though, it comes to you in ways that you wouldn't expect. And if you aren't watchful, you may miss it.

I've had so many of these messages in the last week that there is no way I could not hear it.

I've been backsliding in the healthy living lately. I didn't realize it fully myself. In fact, I pretty much did everything I could to ignore it.

And then, last Thursday at yoga, as I was setting my intention to honor the light of the Spirit within me and to honor the blessings given to me by God, our Yogi read the following poem by Marianne Williamson from her book 'A Return To Love':

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously giveother people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

I was blown away. Here I am, thinking of how I've been struggling, and how I need to get back to that place of letting my inner Spirit shine through, and I hear these words. I felt very strongly that I was being sent a message.

But wait! There's more!

Even after hearing this, I was still struggling, and I couldn't figure out why. And so I did what I have always done when I've struggled this hard, and been so down on myself. I collapsed into myself. And what finally brought me to the realization was that people noticed.

I have strength, I know that. And part of my strength comes from the fact that the world can be falling down around me, but I remain cool and calm. I don't let others see how panicked I am, so they stay calm. And I feel ashamed asking for help. Because I don't want people to think I'm weak.

But this time, people noticed. I was blown away again on Easter Sunday. I was helping to make pancakes for our Pancake breakfast at The Journey. And a friend asked me 'are you ok?'. I responded with my usual 'yeah, I'm fine'. But she knew better and didn't leave it at that. She looked me in the eye and said 'no, really, are you ok?'. It struck me then that I was really not. I'd been lying to myself and trying to hide it, and it really wasn't ok. I looked back at her and said 'not really'. And what happened next surprised me even more. She didn't stand there and lecture me about being strong. She simply gave me a hug. A real hug. And I teared up. Now, if you've known me for any length of time, you know that I don't cry in front of others a whole lot. So this was a pretty big indicator for me that something is wrong.

And that wasn't even the end of the messages I was being sent.

Because of our worship service, I was running late for family Easter dinner. I was really worried and stressed, because I haven't really explained to my family yet that I'm not attending Catholic Church. I haven't told them that I've moved away from that to follow a path that I intuitively feel is where I need to be in my journey of faith. But I've been leaving hints. And, because I was late arriving for lunch because of worship at The Journey, I didn't know what to expect. Would they grill me? Would they admonish and lecture me? Would they seek to understand?

No questions were really asked. But I was still on edge. Because I wasn't feeling right within myself.

And then, yet again, I was blown away by the message I was getting. And it was a very hard message that came from 2 people who I know really love me. My Dad and my Sister both expressed concern about my weight. They'd noticed. And my Dad said 'you know, I'm only saying this because I love you and I don't want to see you go back to where you were. I don't want to see you depressed and hurting. I want you to be happy'.

Oh geez, I'm tearing up just thinking of it now. The thing that struck me most is that my Dad and my sister took a big risk. They know that I could have blown up at them and walked away mad. They, out of love, risked our relationship because they want me to be happy. That is the ultimate sign of love. If I hadn't seen this in that moment, I would have told them to mind their own business and walked away. And then I would have felt even worse than I already did.

But in that moment it struck me that 3 times within 3 days I heard a message of support and love. And they each came from 3 very different aspects of my life. How can I ignore that? How can I continue to pretend that everything is ok when in the three most important places in my life I was given the same message? That I recognized it during devotion time through a poem, that my faith community noticed and offered support, and that my family spoke up and offered support.

The message is clear for me. I have support. I have support internally through my faith, I have support in my faith community, and I have support in the love of my family.

And I know now that I am going to need to lean on that support. Because my greatest fear IS in standing out. And as I continue to realize the blessings of all the opportunities I have, and take advantage of them, I'm starting to stand out. And it scares the heck out of me.

What Good Friday means to me

Good Friday has been especially poignant for me the past few years. A few years ago, my Grandfather passed away during Holy Week. It was the first time death had really hit close to my heart. And it was during this time that I leaned on my faith. Through my Grandpa's death, I became reacquainted with my faith.

Christians remember today as the day that Jesus died on the cross. By his ensuing resurrection, we became alive in Christ. And as Christ lives, so do we. Christ's death and resurrection made it possible for us to enter the kingdom of God when our earthly body dies. The Spirit that resides in us is united with God in Heaven. Which means that some day, I will see my Grandpa again.

It was this experience that started me on the path that has led me to where I am today. A flame of desire to acknowledge and grow in faith and love was sparked within me. And a decades old dream was reignited.

Most people don't know this about me, or wouldn't expect it, but in my teens and well into my college years, I very strongly considered entering a convent. Why? Even I didn't really understand at the time, other than there was just something about it that didn't seem the right path for me.

Having been raised in the Catholic faith, Mother Theresa was a large figure during my formative years. We often saw or read news of her and the work she did ministering to the lower castes of India.

I admired her greatly, and still do. To me the idea of sacrificing your own desires and wants to serve those who have nothing is the greatest act of love you can commit to. It takes a strength of will and a faith that is as solid as a rock. In my teens, I felt a strong pull to follow this type of path.

But I didn't believe. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe in God's love for me. I didn't believe in my life through Christ. I didn't believe that I, this small, insignificant nobody, could ever live to serve others in that magnitude.

So the path I chose to follow is what I thought others expected of me. I wanted to fit in, because it is so hard to stand out. I made choices that were hurtful to myself and to others, all in the sake of fitting in. I wandered far and squandered the gifts and blessings I'd been given.

And now it feels as if the prodigal child has returned home. I've reconciled myself to the will of God. And the desire to live a life of service to those who are less fortunate has become the path I will follow. This choice makes me feel at peace. The funny thing is, once I've accepted this path, once I've accepted that this is God's will for me, the doors to accomplishing this monumental task have opened at an alarming rate.

But as new doors open, old ones close. And this is what brings me back to my introspection of Good Friday. Today represents death and grieving. The death of our Savior and the death of our sins.

As I reflect on this, I think of the doors that are closing for me. Many of these doors are passageways to people who I became close to when following the path far from where I am now. And many of them can't understand why I have faith, why I believe in God, and why I, a smart, substantially educated American woman, would choose to believe in something that can't be logically and scientifically proven. And there is no way I can explain it to them to help them understand. And so the arrows are flung. The casual passive aggressive jabs made at Christians, faith, and religion. Trying to speak up and defend those who have faith is met with derision. And I can't understand it. I can't understand this incessant hate for something that brings so much love and goodness and beauty into this world.

So the time has come to acknowledge these closing doors. And I grieve for that. Despite the lack of support and understanding that come from these directions, they are still relationships I built and invested in. They are relationships that, at some point, brought me happiness.

In a way, I'm also acknowledging that a chapter in my life is coming to a close, even as a new and exciting chapter is opening ahead of me. Looking ahead to the future I see laid before me brings me untold joy, happiness, love, and peace. At the same time, I'm grieving for that which is now behind me, which I will never return to.

This is what Good Friday means to me. I know that there are times to grieve, and I know that sometimes things will hurt and be hurtful. But I also know that my faith in the Resurrection means that the hurt will not last forever, and that Love is always present in my life.