My greatest fear

I'm a firm believer that God gives you what you need, when you need it. Sometimes though, it comes to you in ways that you wouldn't expect. And if you aren't watchful, you may miss it.

I've had so many of these messages in the last week that there is no way I could not hear it.

I've been backsliding in the healthy living lately. I didn't realize it fully myself. In fact, I pretty much did everything I could to ignore it.

And then, last Thursday at yoga, as I was setting my intention to honor the light of the Spirit within me and to honor the blessings given to me by God, our Yogi read the following poem by Marianne Williamson from her book 'A Return To Love':

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously giveother people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

I was blown away. Here I am, thinking of how I've been struggling, and how I need to get back to that place of letting my inner Spirit shine through, and I hear these words. I felt very strongly that I was being sent a message.

But wait! There's more!

Even after hearing this, I was still struggling, and I couldn't figure out why. And so I did what I have always done when I've struggled this hard, and been so down on myself. I collapsed into myself. And what finally brought me to the realization was that people noticed.

I have strength, I know that. And part of my strength comes from the fact that the world can be falling down around me, but I remain cool and calm. I don't let others see how panicked I am, so they stay calm. And I feel ashamed asking for help. Because I don't want people to think I'm weak.

But this time, people noticed. I was blown away again on Easter Sunday. I was helping to make pancakes for our Pancake breakfast at The Journey. And a friend asked me 'are you ok?'. I responded with my usual 'yeah, I'm fine'. But she knew better and didn't leave it at that. She looked me in the eye and said 'no, really, are you ok?'. It struck me then that I was really not. I'd been lying to myself and trying to hide it, and it really wasn't ok. I looked back at her and said 'not really'. And what happened next surprised me even more. She didn't stand there and lecture me about being strong. She simply gave me a hug. A real hug. And I teared up. Now, if you've known me for any length of time, you know that I don't cry in front of others a whole lot. So this was a pretty big indicator for me that something is wrong.

And that wasn't even the end of the messages I was being sent.

Because of our worship service, I was running late for family Easter dinner. I was really worried and stressed, because I haven't really explained to my family yet that I'm not attending Catholic Church. I haven't told them that I've moved away from that to follow a path that I intuitively feel is where I need to be in my journey of faith. But I've been leaving hints. And, because I was late arriving for lunch because of worship at The Journey, I didn't know what to expect. Would they grill me? Would they admonish and lecture me? Would they seek to understand?

No questions were really asked. But I was still on edge. Because I wasn't feeling right within myself.

And then, yet again, I was blown away by the message I was getting. And it was a very hard message that came from 2 people who I know really love me. My Dad and my Sister both expressed concern about my weight. They'd noticed. And my Dad said 'you know, I'm only saying this because I love you and I don't want to see you go back to where you were. I don't want to see you depressed and hurting. I want you to be happy'.

Oh geez, I'm tearing up just thinking of it now. The thing that struck me most is that my Dad and my sister took a big risk. They know that I could have blown up at them and walked away mad. They, out of love, risked our relationship because they want me to be happy. That is the ultimate sign of love. If I hadn't seen this in that moment, I would have told them to mind their own business and walked away. And then I would have felt even worse than I already did.

But in that moment it struck me that 3 times within 3 days I heard a message of support and love. And they each came from 3 very different aspects of my life. How can I ignore that? How can I continue to pretend that everything is ok when in the three most important places in my life I was given the same message? That I recognized it during devotion time through a poem, that my faith community noticed and offered support, and that my family spoke up and offered support.

The message is clear for me. I have support. I have support internally through my faith, I have support in my faith community, and I have support in the love of my family.

And I know now that I am going to need to lean on that support. Because my greatest fear IS in standing out. And as I continue to realize the blessings of all the opportunities I have, and take advantage of them, I'm starting to stand out. And it scares the heck out of me.