What Good Friday means to me

Good Friday has been especially poignant for me the past few years. A few years ago, my Grandfather passed away during Holy Week. It was the first time death had really hit close to my heart. And it was during this time that I leaned on my faith. Through my Grandpa's death, I became reacquainted with my faith.

Christians remember today as the day that Jesus died on the cross. By his ensuing resurrection, we became alive in Christ. And as Christ lives, so do we. Christ's death and resurrection made it possible for us to enter the kingdom of God when our earthly body dies. The Spirit that resides in us is united with God in Heaven. Which means that some day, I will see my Grandpa again.

It was this experience that started me on the path that has led me to where I am today. A flame of desire to acknowledge and grow in faith and love was sparked within me. And a decades old dream was reignited.

Most people don't know this about me, or wouldn't expect it, but in my teens and well into my college years, I very strongly considered entering a convent. Why? Even I didn't really understand at the time, other than there was just something about it that didn't seem the right path for me.

Having been raised in the Catholic faith, Mother Theresa was a large figure during my formative years. We often saw or read news of her and the work she did ministering to the lower castes of India.

I admired her greatly, and still do. To me the idea of sacrificing your own desires and wants to serve those who have nothing is the greatest act of love you can commit to. It takes a strength of will and a faith that is as solid as a rock. In my teens, I felt a strong pull to follow this type of path.

But I didn't believe. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe in God's love for me. I didn't believe in my life through Christ. I didn't believe that I, this small, insignificant nobody, could ever live to serve others in that magnitude.

So the path I chose to follow is what I thought others expected of me. I wanted to fit in, because it is so hard to stand out. I made choices that were hurtful to myself and to others, all in the sake of fitting in. I wandered far and squandered the gifts and blessings I'd been given.

And now it feels as if the prodigal child has returned home. I've reconciled myself to the will of God. And the desire to live a life of service to those who are less fortunate has become the path I will follow. This choice makes me feel at peace. The funny thing is, once I've accepted this path, once I've accepted that this is God's will for me, the doors to accomplishing this monumental task have opened at an alarming rate.

But as new doors open, old ones close. And this is what brings me back to my introspection of Good Friday. Today represents death and grieving. The death of our Savior and the death of our sins.

As I reflect on this, I think of the doors that are closing for me. Many of these doors are passageways to people who I became close to when following the path far from where I am now. And many of them can't understand why I have faith, why I believe in God, and why I, a smart, substantially educated American woman, would choose to believe in something that can't be logically and scientifically proven. And there is no way I can explain it to them to help them understand. And so the arrows are flung. The casual passive aggressive jabs made at Christians, faith, and religion. Trying to speak up and defend those who have faith is met with derision. And I can't understand it. I can't understand this incessant hate for something that brings so much love and goodness and beauty into this world.

So the time has come to acknowledge these closing doors. And I grieve for that. Despite the lack of support and understanding that come from these directions, they are still relationships I built and invested in. They are relationships that, at some point, brought me happiness.

In a way, I'm also acknowledging that a chapter in my life is coming to a close, even as a new and exciting chapter is opening ahead of me. Looking ahead to the future I see laid before me brings me untold joy, happiness, love, and peace. At the same time, I'm grieving for that which is now behind me, which I will never return to.

This is what Good Friday means to me. I know that there are times to grieve, and I know that sometimes things will hurt and be hurtful. But I also know that my faith in the Resurrection means that the hurt will not last forever, and that Love is always present in my life.