If you know me in person, you know that I'm a pretty outgoing person. I like to socialize and chat and I have no problem talking to strangers and making new friends. But what you may not know about me is that I'm actually right on the border line of introvert and extrovert. So while I value spending time socializing and being with friends, sometimes I need time away from everyone and everything to unwind and 'reset' myself.
This last weekend, I ran away from it all. I needed quiet. I needed peace. I needed no homework and no work stress. So I went to Door County, WI.
Even though I (jokingly) say that I ran away from responsibility, what I truly ran away from was all the 'extra' stuff I pile into my life. I needed to be away from all that extra stuff to have the quiet to hear God's voice. The truth is, I've felt a big change in the past few months. And there's a calling that I've felt for a very long time that I've been ignoring. I needed the quiet to pray and to listen in the quiet times.
So while I ran away from the responsibility of work, and school, and socialization, I ran, in a sense, to another responsibility. One that I was meant to do.
Isn't it funny how we make our lives so complex? We worry and stress about school work, jobs and career, finances, cars, TVs, clothes, and our social status. We think that these things add value to our lives. They make an impression on our society that we are 'someone' and we are part of society.
But the truth is, the life God wants for us is so much more simplistic. The God we worship is not a materialistic God. He doesn't care if I drive a 10 year old run down car or a brand new shiny one. He doesn't care if I've worked my whole adult life to get to a place of comfort. It isn't His will. His will is that we put all that energy of the 'stuff' that we throw onto ourselves into loving each other. And not just loving the people you know and like. Loving all of humanity, valuing life and the spirit within each individual, and loving those who hate us.
I had a moment of feeling utterly full of love and a sense of completeness this past weekend. I was driving along the shore of Lake Michigan at sunset. The sun and sky was a glory of riotous colors. Reds, oranges, yellows, pinks, purples, and blues all blending and shifting. And the gentle waves of the lake reflecting back the pinks and reds and purples seemed like a shimmering companion, meant to compliment the sunset. In the beauty of that moment, I realized that this was God's gift, not just to me, but to anyone who saw it. The scene was so beautiful that it cannot adequately be described in words. It was a living portrait that can only be described in feelings. The feeling of calm from the blues and purples, the warmth of the reds and oranges, the brilliance of the yellows, the hope of the pinks. And through it all, the ever sense of love. It's a moment that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It wasn't a thing that I'd purchased or done that made me feel so happy and hopeful. It was the glory of what has been given to me. Something that I never asked for, or have truly appreciated. And it was given to me out of love.
I know now what God wants for me. And it will involve a lot of change. I don't know where the future will take me, but I trust that I will be shown the way. And through it all, I know that I was given this great gift of love so I could share it and give it to others. And that is something much greater than the responsibility that I've thrust upon myself.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
It CAN be done!
If there was ever a test of my strength and will to overcome binging temptation, it was today. Fat Tuesday, of all days. Of course there was a potluck at work, and of course the food tables were right outside my cubicle again. But I told myself I would NOT eat any junk food. And guess what? I didn't.
It took a lot to resist. And I actually ended up leaving work early because the smell was weakening my strength. But I took time to actually think about why I wanted to eat and to realize that eating those cookies, or crab dip, or pumpkin bread, or cheese and sausage wasn't going to make me feel better. In fact, it would have made me feel worse. So I stuck to my healthy snacks and meals I brought with me. I sent a text to a friend who provided AMAZING support. I also had my earbuds in practically all day with the music turned up pretty loud to drown out the sounds of my co-workers conversations as they talked about how good the food was. I listened to music, focused on my project and stuffed myself with peppers, carrots, cucumbers, strawberries, and pineapple. I took a sharpie and drew a cross on the inside of my wrist with the word 'strong' written under it to remind me that when I put my problems into God's hands, he takes them on and helps me to be strong. And I did it. I avoided all the junk food. And to top it off, I started day one of a 5k training program. And that makes me excessively happy. I feel really good about myself today.
I've been burnt out lately, and when I'm burnt out, old habits rear their ugly head. My refrigerator and cupboards were empty, which means a lot of eating out and eating on the go. I've been tired so I've been skipping work outs, or simply not putting a lot of energy into them. It's sometimes very difficult to realize that this is something I'll always have to deal with. It would be very easy to give in and give up. It would be a lot easier than fighting. But then I remembered something I had written in my journal after watching this video:
It took a lot to resist. And I actually ended up leaving work early because the smell was weakening my strength. But I took time to actually think about why I wanted to eat and to realize that eating those cookies, or crab dip, or pumpkin bread, or cheese and sausage wasn't going to make me feel better. In fact, it would have made me feel worse. So I stuck to my healthy snacks and meals I brought with me. I sent a text to a friend who provided AMAZING support. I also had my earbuds in practically all day with the music turned up pretty loud to drown out the sounds of my co-workers conversations as they talked about how good the food was. I listened to music, focused on my project and stuffed myself with peppers, carrots, cucumbers, strawberries, and pineapple. I took a sharpie and drew a cross on the inside of my wrist with the word 'strong' written under it to remind me that when I put my problems into God's hands, he takes them on and helps me to be strong. And I did it. I avoided all the junk food. And to top it off, I started day one of a 5k training program. And that makes me excessively happy. I feel really good about myself today.
I've been burnt out lately, and when I'm burnt out, old habits rear their ugly head. My refrigerator and cupboards were empty, which means a lot of eating out and eating on the go. I've been tired so I've been skipping work outs, or simply not putting a lot of energy into them. It's sometimes very difficult to realize that this is something I'll always have to deal with. It would be very easy to give in and give up. It would be a lot easier than fighting. But then I remembered something I had written in my journal after watching this video:
What struck me most is that Jesus had the love and adoration of the people at one point. He was popular, he had it good. But then people turned against him. Yet not once did he turn from the path before him. He had strength. Can you imagine the strength it would take to stick to your convictions and beliefs even when everyone around you has abandoned you? When you are tortured, and persecuted, and eventually crucified for the very strength you possess? I can't begin to imagine what strength and conviction that would take.
But what I do imagine is this: If I can have even one ounce of the strength, conviction, and courage that Jesus showed, then I can accomplish great things. Jesus' strength and conviction came from his love of all people. The strength I need is to love myself. With that drop of strength, I can continue to fight this battle each day. And I can continue to ask for help, both from friends and from God.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A piece of what I've been missing
Tonight was undeniably one of the best nights I've had in a very long time.
I spent my evening with a group of very wonderful women. And until tonight, I had no idea how much I had missed having a bunch of women that are supportive and caring and that I can rely on and spend time with.
I never realized until tonight how much I've always felt I've had to compete with other women. And in retrospect, I think many women feel the same way. I think it has gotten especially difficult for me lately because I'm single, and the majority of my peers are married. This means if I'm out somewhere, I'm often comparing myself to women who are much younger than me. I didn't realize until tonight how much that was hurting me. And I have a wonderful group of women to thank for showing me that it doesn't have to be that way.
We had a little gathering of our WW Women of The Journey tonight. It was just us, the women. No guys around, and no kids. We all brought a healthy dish to share. We each had the number of WW points readily available. Most of the food was 1-2 points per serving. What was great about this is we could really enjoy this food without the guilt and worry of 'oh no! What did I just do!?!'.
And then we sat around the table, and like kids we set about working on our weight loss 'tool boxes'. We each brought a shoe box and stuff to decorate them with. We cut and pasted and glued and taped, all the while chatting and laughing and showing each other our glitter and butterfly stickers. Into our tool boxes, we will place pieces of paper that have healthy activities as an alternative to eating on them. The idea is if we get the urge to eat, we draw a paper from the toolbox and complete the activity. In and of itself, this is a wonderful idea. But what made it even more real, is we each wrote our name and number on a piece of paper for the rest of the group to put in their box. And if we draw that paper out, we can call or text that person for support.
That word, 'support', that single word is making me tear up. I have been through many weight loss journeys in the past 4 years. And each time, I've gone at it in my usual headstrong manner. I felt it was something I needed to do for myself and by myself. I had cheerleaders the whole time, and people who offered encouragement. But the real support comes from those who are experiencing the same struggles. As I sat at that table, listening to the things that would pop up from time to time, about how we address our feelings by eating, or what our weakness is, I really for the first time felt understood. Of course you can do this by going to meetings. But it's a whole other concept when it's people you know and trust. For the first time I'm not afraid to actually reach out and ask for help. I know that if I draw that piece of paper with Julie, Lindsey, Stacey, Jessica, Christy, or Megan's name and phone number that I WILL reach out to them, just as I know they will reach out to me for support.
I haven't had a support system like this since college. For so long after I left college, I felt as if I was on my own. Living in NYC, I learned that I had to take care of myself because no one else would. But that was wrong. It's just a matter of finding the right people.
I know the memories of tonight are ones that I will treasure. I left that gathering with a warmth in my heart I haven't felt in ages. And in the coming months, when I'm feeling down and blue I will be able to remember tonight and evoke that feeling again, and I know it will help me survive.
How I came to meet these wonderful, beautiful, graceful women is through such a roundabout path. But every day, as more of these people come into my life, I see that there really is a reason for all we experience. Had I not experienced feeling completely and utterly alone, I may not value this new found community as much as I now do. I really thank the Lord for showing me this path and for guiding me to such a wonderful, loving, caring group of women.
I spent my evening with a group of very wonderful women. And until tonight, I had no idea how much I had missed having a bunch of women that are supportive and caring and that I can rely on and spend time with.
I never realized until tonight how much I've always felt I've had to compete with other women. And in retrospect, I think many women feel the same way. I think it has gotten especially difficult for me lately because I'm single, and the majority of my peers are married. This means if I'm out somewhere, I'm often comparing myself to women who are much younger than me. I didn't realize until tonight how much that was hurting me. And I have a wonderful group of women to thank for showing me that it doesn't have to be that way.
We had a little gathering of our WW Women of The Journey tonight. It was just us, the women. No guys around, and no kids. We all brought a healthy dish to share. We each had the number of WW points readily available. Most of the food was 1-2 points per serving. What was great about this is we could really enjoy this food without the guilt and worry of 'oh no! What did I just do!?!'.
And then we sat around the table, and like kids we set about working on our weight loss 'tool boxes'. We each brought a shoe box and stuff to decorate them with. We cut and pasted and glued and taped, all the while chatting and laughing and showing each other our glitter and butterfly stickers. Into our tool boxes, we will place pieces of paper that have healthy activities as an alternative to eating on them. The idea is if we get the urge to eat, we draw a paper from the toolbox and complete the activity. In and of itself, this is a wonderful idea. But what made it even more real, is we each wrote our name and number on a piece of paper for the rest of the group to put in their box. And if we draw that paper out, we can call or text that person for support.
That word, 'support', that single word is making me tear up. I have been through many weight loss journeys in the past 4 years. And each time, I've gone at it in my usual headstrong manner. I felt it was something I needed to do for myself and by myself. I had cheerleaders the whole time, and people who offered encouragement. But the real support comes from those who are experiencing the same struggles. As I sat at that table, listening to the things that would pop up from time to time, about how we address our feelings by eating, or what our weakness is, I really for the first time felt understood. Of course you can do this by going to meetings. But it's a whole other concept when it's people you know and trust. For the first time I'm not afraid to actually reach out and ask for help. I know that if I draw that piece of paper with Julie, Lindsey, Stacey, Jessica, Christy, or Megan's name and phone number that I WILL reach out to them, just as I know they will reach out to me for support.
I haven't had a support system like this since college. For so long after I left college, I felt as if I was on my own. Living in NYC, I learned that I had to take care of myself because no one else would. But that was wrong. It's just a matter of finding the right people.
I know the memories of tonight are ones that I will treasure. I left that gathering with a warmth in my heart I haven't felt in ages. And in the coming months, when I'm feeling down and blue I will be able to remember tonight and evoke that feeling again, and I know it will help me survive.
How I came to meet these wonderful, beautiful, graceful women is through such a roundabout path. But every day, as more of these people come into my life, I see that there really is a reason for all we experience. Had I not experienced feeling completely and utterly alone, I may not value this new found community as much as I now do. I really thank the Lord for showing me this path and for guiding me to such a wonderful, loving, caring group of women.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Why do you try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
While reading the third lesson of A Spiritual Guide to Weight Loss last night, I had a revelation. And I want to share it.
This chapter is about realizing that your fear and the compulsion to eat to fill a void is bigger than you, but also realizing that God is bigger than that compulsion, and so by asking God for help, and believing that miracles are possible, you can overcome the compulsion and replace it with Love.
A particular passage struck me, about using weight to hide from the world and why that would happen. What is the root cause?
And that's where my revelation came.
I've always been afraid to stand out from those around me. But why? Because whenever I have let my talents, gifts and abilities distinguish me from my peers, I've been subjected to ridicule and derision.
I was a bright child. When I was young I was involved in Talented and Gifted programs. I was always reading and always absorbing the world around me. Intellectualism is just something that has always come easy to me. I've always excelled at what I chose to do and loved the challenges that come with continued learning.
But there were times when recognition from adults made me the object of ridicule from my peers. Gaining praise from a teacher for excelling on a test or a book report would lead to taunts of 'Teacher's pet, nerd, Smarty pants' and all other mean and hurtful things children often think of to fling at one another. In my young eyes, accolades from adults made me the target of my peers. At the time, I never realized that they were merely attention starved children who were jealous of the recognition others received. And since I couldn't very well say to all the adults in my life 'Listen, don't praise or acknowledge me in front of the others' I instead learned to with hold part of myself to fit in.
How many times have I known the answer, or knew a more efficient way to complete a project or task, but have kept quiet? Deep down I felt that standing out would make me lonely. I felt that no one would care about me, or be my friend. I didn't and don't want to live a lonely life. And so food addiction became a self delusional mechanism to balance out whatever natural skills I have so I appear less threatening to others.
There are 2 things in our culture that impact this:
1. Acknowledging your given skills and talents makes you 'egotistical' and 'arrogant'. Someone who says aloud 'Yes, I'm a smart person, I'm an intellectual, I'm a natural leader' is looked at askance and whispered about as being 'full of themselves'. And yet, should we fail to recognize the gifts we have been given by God? I'll get to more on that later.
2. Our culture views overweight people as less threatening. Don't believe me? Here's a joke I once had told to me: 'Why are fat people so jolly and friendly? Because they can't run fast enough to get away when they've pissed someone off'.' It's disguised as a joke, but think about the impact a message like that gives to impressionable children. Want further proof? Look to our media. How often do you see overweight people? What are the roles they play? They are the one to feel sorry for, the lonely heart eating a bag of cookies because they can't get the girl/guy. They are the passive aggressive ones. Or my favorite, they are the ones used as 'before' pictures in ads for the newest weight loss gimmick. Often, these people are not even overweight. They are normal. They are as God made them, but that isn't good enough.
And so I think, subconsciously, weight became a way to keep myself from being threatening to others. I didn't ask for the ability to grasp concepts and theories quickly and easily. I didn't ask to be given a very detailed and sponge-like memory. I didn't ask to have inherent leadership skills. It's just part of my personality. These are things I was born with. These are gifts from God!!! I've been spurning God by working against Him to make myself fit in, rather than stand out.
Perhaps the gifts I've been given, the ones that I've always felt the need to temper, are part of God's plan for me. What if I was given these gifts to do exactly what I am doing now? What if I am part of God's plan to spread His love and the redeeming Grace of Jesus to others?
One thing I can say for sure: I know that I no longer need to fear being alone and unloved. I know that even if all abandon me in this world, that God's love is within me. And with God walking with me, I'll never be alone.
This chapter is about realizing that your fear and the compulsion to eat to fill a void is bigger than you, but also realizing that God is bigger than that compulsion, and so by asking God for help, and believing that miracles are possible, you can overcome the compulsion and replace it with Love.
A particular passage struck me, about using weight to hide from the world and why that would happen. What is the root cause?
And that's where my revelation came.
I've always been afraid to stand out from those around me. But why? Because whenever I have let my talents, gifts and abilities distinguish me from my peers, I've been subjected to ridicule and derision.
I was a bright child. When I was young I was involved in Talented and Gifted programs. I was always reading and always absorbing the world around me. Intellectualism is just something that has always come easy to me. I've always excelled at what I chose to do and loved the challenges that come with continued learning.
But there were times when recognition from adults made me the object of ridicule from my peers. Gaining praise from a teacher for excelling on a test or a book report would lead to taunts of 'Teacher's pet, nerd, Smarty pants' and all other mean and hurtful things children often think of to fling at one another. In my young eyes, accolades from adults made me the target of my peers. At the time, I never realized that they were merely attention starved children who were jealous of the recognition others received. And since I couldn't very well say to all the adults in my life 'Listen, don't praise or acknowledge me in front of the others' I instead learned to with hold part of myself to fit in.
How many times have I known the answer, or knew a more efficient way to complete a project or task, but have kept quiet? Deep down I felt that standing out would make me lonely. I felt that no one would care about me, or be my friend. I didn't and don't want to live a lonely life. And so food addiction became a self delusional mechanism to balance out whatever natural skills I have so I appear less threatening to others.
There are 2 things in our culture that impact this:
1. Acknowledging your given skills and talents makes you 'egotistical' and 'arrogant'. Someone who says aloud 'Yes, I'm a smart person, I'm an intellectual, I'm a natural leader' is looked at askance and whispered about as being 'full of themselves'. And yet, should we fail to recognize the gifts we have been given by God? I'll get to more on that later.
2. Our culture views overweight people as less threatening. Don't believe me? Here's a joke I once had told to me: 'Why are fat people so jolly and friendly? Because they can't run fast enough to get away when they've pissed someone off'.' It's disguised as a joke, but think about the impact a message like that gives to impressionable children. Want further proof? Look to our media. How often do you see overweight people? What are the roles they play? They are the one to feel sorry for, the lonely heart eating a bag of cookies because they can't get the girl/guy. They are the passive aggressive ones. Or my favorite, they are the ones used as 'before' pictures in ads for the newest weight loss gimmick. Often, these people are not even overweight. They are normal. They are as God made them, but that isn't good enough.
And so I think, subconsciously, weight became a way to keep myself from being threatening to others. I didn't ask for the ability to grasp concepts and theories quickly and easily. I didn't ask to be given a very detailed and sponge-like memory. I didn't ask to have inherent leadership skills. It's just part of my personality. These are things I was born with. These are gifts from God!!! I've been spurning God by working against Him to make myself fit in, rather than stand out.
Perhaps the gifts I've been given, the ones that I've always felt the need to temper, are part of God's plan for me. What if I was given these gifts to do exactly what I am doing now? What if I am part of God's plan to spread His love and the redeeming Grace of Jesus to others?
One thing I can say for sure: I know that I no longer need to fear being alone and unloved. I know that even if all abandon me in this world, that God's love is within me. And with God walking with me, I'll never be alone.
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